The Ogbono Interview

A BEAUTIFUL MORNING/A BEAUTYFULL LADY

Oh what a beautiful Morning
Oh what a beautiful day
I've got a beautiful feeling
Everything's going my way
Oh what a beautiful day

Well, this morning, I saw a beautiful ladyI won't bother defining what a BEAUTY-FULL lady is since beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but I digress. See I think the government should make it crime for beautiful women and brothers to be on the street at the same time. Today I was walking towards a western Union to pay my utility bills (as usual) and I saw two beautiful ladies walking towards me from opposite direction. I almost had whiplash looking at them and I could have sworn that one of them winked at me and that made me slip on the ice on the floor. Not only that I hit my forehead on the glass pane of the Western Union. It's not fair that these sisters keep popping up at me in different places. The least they could do is warn a brother by either trafficating of blowing their horn.

It gets worse when they do that at supermarket especially when you in the embarrassing products section. I mean, I barely survived Nigeria where there is an epidemic of BEAUTY-FULL ones. It doesn't help that they don't call before dropping by your house. Once I ended up with four ladies in my house, each of them wondering what the other was there for. I wasn't even sure what language to speak. In the usual Nigerian tradition, I just gave them a bottle of coke and an album to look at. That's when one of them asked me the question: "Are these girls your cousins?" Cousin ko Cousin ni..I know in Nigeria, everybody is your cousin but she was pushing it too far. I think there ought to be a law. You know the way we have even plate number and odd plate number days , there should be beautiful ladies day and all brother's days. So if beautiful ladies take Sunday, Tuesday and Thursdays, brothers will take Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I will throw in Saturday for the gap-toothed ladies cos they are the most BEAUTY-FULL and the most dangerous.

THE OGBONO INTERVIEW.
Ever met a man, go out on a first date and he is already asking you what dishes you cook?? Well despair not, cos you are having the famed "Ogbono Interview." My friend was PO because she thought she was being interviewed for marriagewell maybe but as I found out after my thorough investigations, I found out that this interview is just a way for him to know
if he will starve for the rest of his life,
if he will make the microwave dinner industry richer in the near future,
if his children will be very short and skinny from malnutrition and
if his mother will come and live with him in his married home.

You don't blame a guy if he want to be comfortable in his marriage, but if you are pissed off because of this, I UNDERSTAND!!!!

But like I said despair not, cos another friend of mine complained about the same thing in a different format. He met a woman and on their semi-second date, she was already asking for details. She wanted to know:
If he had a career?
What kind of career it was, she actually asked if it was investment banking, consulting or law (she does not care about a JOB because JOB means Just On Budget and she does not want to live on a budget)
What kind of 4WD drive he had
If he owned or rented a home
If he owned a checking account with no monthly fees (because it means it has a lot in it)
Where he usually goes on vacation

Well, this interview is called the Cash Flow Interview. So guys, if you are with a potential and you suddenly hear her friends ask if she has conducted a CFI, you won't be too ignorant about it.

Again, you don't blame the woman if she wants to be comfortable in her marriage, but if you are pissed off because of this, I UNDERSTAND!!!!

PASSAGE RITES OF MARRIAGE.

While I am still on this tip, I got an anonymous call from a love doctor at Love Nest Communications. He needed your help to help solve someone's problem cos he is also baffled and needs a solution. A young lady came to him and complained that as soon as she dumps her boyfriends, they get married within six months. She wasn't sure if it was her or just coincidence so she dated one more guy for the heck of it and guess what.yep, he got hooked within six months. Now she wants to know what wrong.. She is still in love with two of them but obviously, there aint much she can do but what do you guys think?

See, the theory at Love Nest is that she is going through the PASSAGE RITES OF MARRIAGE whereby the guy lives with her, gets a feel for what "marriage" and living with someone is like and they marry someone else and there they correct any mistake they made with her. The fact that it keeps happening to her..well I myself am baffled. Statisticians at Love Nest claim that women who have gone through more than four PRM end up being single for a long time. While they do not want to condemn her to marital oblivion, they are determined to make her their first success story. Any input you make will be richly rewarded

Phew, Constitutional Law is over!!! That was my definition of the 8th Amendment - Cruel and Unusual Punishment. I looked at the first question for 30minutes and made notes here and there on the paper but it still did not make sense to me. I had to start typing and each time, I typed the same word over and over again, which was apt cos it reminded me of high school when the teacher made me write "I will never come late to the Economics class again" - I had to write that 100 times on a piece of paper. One of the con law questions was about something I was listening to on the news the morning of the exam (The question about Dick Cheney handing his energy task force papers over to the senate) Anyway, I turned down the radio to study, bad move cos I could have gotten some arguments from the broadcast - Preservation of Executive privilege yada yada yada. Right after that, I left school, picked my daughter from daycare, fed her and wen to bed by 5pm, I did not get up till 11:30pm. I was knocked out. My next exam is International Law and you know I am going to be listening to the radio everyday till the exam time. I might even be listening to the radio as I am taking the exam, you never know. Anyway, I will holler later, I am trying to decide whether Iraq still qualifies as a State in the International law sense.

Its another day of studying con law and in between, we talk about different things. Rob here wants to know if there was a way to have Whoopi Goldberg's celebrity status revoked!!. Hmm, I don't think thats possible Rob.

It's my friend's birthday today, I called her in Nigeria to welcome her to the club. She was having fun, she was actually at a wedding and the noise was so loud that I had to call her later. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Uzo!!

I am studying for my Constitutional Law Exam with a group of other students. I am not sure how we got to this, but we started discussing Weed. Now I know a couple of things I did not know before, that weed comes in different variety, there is the East Coast Weed and the West Coast Weed. There is purple weed and there is green weed, I think our tutor also said something about weed that has too much seeds and one that did not, you know what weed reminds me of, Grapes!! Seedless grapes , green grapes and purple grapes, hmm, I wonder whether they are related and if thats why my daughter goes haywire after having a few purple grapes!!

Its study time in preparation for exams and let me say this, there are some assholes who like to go around and confuse people with what they think they know. Right now, my answer to them, is hmm hmm hmmm. I am playing dumb until exam is over.

I am hiding out at an undisclosed location away from the law school, I basically had it with people stressed out, mouthing constitutional mumbo jumbo and trying to confuse the shit out of everyone. We had a review session this morning and one lady asked about the "ethical modalities of lord knows what." Let me say this, our Con Law professor is a NERD!! and even he did not know what the hell she was talking about. Thats exactly what I mean by people going around and saying crap that dont make sense and trying to panic everyone else.

I was in another study room with a section mate when this person starts writing on the board. Meanwhile I am trying to type a paper in a different class that requires my thinking. Writing on the board and mumbling at the same time, the temperature level basically went up and I started to get a constitutional headache. I had to leave immediately without saying much. I retrospect, I should have mentioned a couple of topics we didnt do and say they will be on the final so that the person can complete their last stage of madness. This individual skipped a lot of classes so that would work my evil. Anyway, I decided to go to Cheesecake factory and get myself some Tiramisu before heading to my bunker where I am not studying and assimilating in peace. This is a very good bunker and I will use it till the end of finals. Good thing I dont have cell reception here so there is no chance of my being bothered here at all.

In the last three days since Friday, we were at Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for the Northwestern University Law School Leadership Retreat. The Cabin I stayed in was by the lake and that was really nice to relax and watch the boats go by. The weather was nice as well and that was a plus. Saturday was a a fun and challenging day, we had to do a whole bunch of exercises and lets just say my muscles are sore. There were about 25 of us or more, we had to scale a 14 foot wall literally and get to the top and we had a time limit to do it. Lets just say, when you are in a tight spot, ingenuity becomes the order of the day. We were able to life people of all shapes, sizes and weights over the wall. Saunday was nice as well, the school administration came in and we presented our problems to them. We had discussed a number of these problems in a "bitch session" the night before. The listened, we complained, they listened and explained in some cases. After that, it was kickball till the bus came to whisk us away back to Chicago.

Did I tell you that it was 90 degrees F today? Whao, summer in spring time!!!

I am still getting calls for my birthday, nice and sweet, too bad I have to be in school but I am taking it easy.

30. This is a big number, a significant number and more importantly, it is the age I turn today. You know what I just realized? I am still young. There is a lot that has been done, there is a lot to be happy for and there is a lot to be accomplish. My life has always been one of goals and accomplishing those goals, shifting goals and being flexible to accommodate those shifts. I am happy, hopeful and my outlook on life is bright. There is a lot to accomplish and I am itching to move on with what lays ahead of me.

Important to me in life – 2F. Friends and Family and believe me, they are not mutually exclusive. Family and friends keep you rooted in reality, everyone in this group play a different role. There is the person I discuss life with, another books, another problems, another crazy ideas, some all ideas, some everything in my life, some, certain things in my life. I get feedback, good feedback, you mix all the advice, ideas and suggestions in a pot and mix it with my decision making skills and the result is me. My friends and family are dear to me, I know I don’t call or email everyone everyday, or every other week, but for the most part, when I call, we continue where we left off. To you all, I say, thank you very much.

I have gotten calls from all over. Chisom called me at midnight but by then, I was already knocked out by Constitutional problems. When you read Equal Protection cases or as my professor calls it, Reverse discrimination cases where all the Supreme Court Justices feel like they have to give an opinion thus making it a 20 page read rather than the regular 5-10 pages for one case, then you get the picture of why I had fallen asleep. I also have to say that sometimes, my wife outdoes herself, the rice, beans and stew I had for dinner last night contributed to bringing on the sleep. The stew was something else, this is the kind of stew that after you are done eating, you want to drink some of it and eat more rice and beans just because of the stew. It was that good. Yesterday, my cousin called me from Nigeria, that was cool. My daughter and my wife gave me a card each, I didn’t realize I was the best daddy in the world, this child already knows how to network and kiss-up. I am now obligated to take her to Disney world.

This morning, my friend from high school called me from Nigeria. She works at Total-Elf in Lagos. It was certainly a surprise call. After wishing me a happy birthday, we started catching up from the last time I saw her. FGC Kaduna is having their annual party on May 2. Too bad, cos I will be in the throes of finals then but as my friend Mezu would say, “Nothing spoil” While I was talking to Jumoke, what caught my attention was when she asked me to hold on: someone had called a second line in the office and she asked the person “Are you Perfect?” In my mind, I said “Sho, what kind of question is that to ask someone who has come to your office” She came back on the line and I posed my question to her. She said “oh, I think that’s the guys name” Yeah right, what kind of name is that, must be his nickname or a mispronounced name. She protested and said she really thinks it is his name. She then asked someone to call Perfect from outside. While the “Perfect” was being called in, I said, “hmm, if that is his name, he must be a Calabar man.” She agreed. Perfect came in and she asked again “Are you Perfect?”

I could see the guy now, chest puffed out, head held tall, standing on his tip-toe: “Yes, I am PERFECT”

“Where are you from” Jumoke asked.

“I am from Abia State”

“Dozie, na your brother oh”

“Shuo, I denied immediately, he must be from a remote part of Abia near Calabar”

(Oge, did you hear that, Perfect is from your place)

It reminded us of all the Calabar people we went to school with. I mean, what is it with Calabar people that they all seem to have these reflective names such as Perfect, Peace, Charity (this is even simple), Happiness, Comfort, Joy, Promise and Precious. Calabar diamkpo!! I sometimes wonder if it is for lack of imagination? Actually, sometime last year, at the same Total office (always at Total), two brothers came to see someone at that office, get this, once was named Genesis and like joke like joke, his brother was named Exodus. I kid you not!!! Anytime you hear one, you think you have heard it all, my friend Oge has a lesson teacher (I think it was a lesson teacher as opposed to a QC teacher), the guy names his child “Thy will be done” Seriously!! In this case, he blew my Calabar man theory out of the water. I think the guy was Yoruba in this case but it does not matter now, cos you can see I digressed.

Didi called me while I was on the bus about to get off at my stop, Chisom, Chidi Chuke, Oge and Dalu called but it went to voicemail. Chisom and Eunice (ooops Uche I mean) called again, voicemail. Oge called again, voicemail. You can see that at 30, I have become a hard man to reach. J “Where is Dozie?” “ He is not on Seat.” Chidi called and tried to sing but couldn’t quite pull off the Sinatra. He actually asked me what I wanted for my birthday, hmm, that Ferrari is looking good right about now. Oh, but he said it had to be within reason. What do you guys think? What should I asked for? Ladi and Nwando emailed me. I am in class now – being very productive obviously – and my phone is off but I get out in a couple of minutes and I will be checking my voicemail. Amara called and I could tell she had a big smile on her face, happy birthday with a big smile is good. Chinelo also called, her usual bubbly with Life is good.

Before I get off my high horse, let me say this, life is short, have a blast and enjoy it, Life is hard, don’t make it harder and quit complaining. You know the saying, you tell me you have no shoes and I will show you a guy with no leg. I actually mentor a Sudanese guy, a refugee in America, does not know where his family is or friends, the roommates he has now are the guys he crossed the desert with on their way to the refugee camp in Kenya from where he was brought to the United States. So for us who have family but prefer to quarrel with them, for us, who have friends but don’t call because he or she does not call, give that benefit of doubt, pick up the phone and say hello and No, MCI is not paying me to promote friends and family, anytime I type that word, it feels like Déjà vu to me. To pervert the slogan by the folks at sprite, “Life is short, drink it up”

My friends, family, you are all Precious to me, I may not be Perfect but I can Promise you that I will stay in touch and you have my hear when you call. May life bring you Comfort and Joy, Peace and Happiness will be yours all the days of your life and as the days go by and you pray, may Thy will be done.

Its new day, Easter Monday as most people in most parts of the world call it, in Nigeria, they are still on vacation. I spoke to my mother in law this morning and she was surprised when I told her I had to get the kid ready for school and my cousin who called from Nigeria to wish my a happy birthday (in advance) was also surprised that I was heading to school. Lucky for them, its a holiday in Nigeria.

I had a blast on Easter Sunday, we were invited to a friend's house and got a fill for Easter Excitement, jollof rice with plaintain, goat meat and Shrimp for the initiated. Desert was Ice cream and assorted cake, of course we had the mother of all ice cream battles, which is better, Haagen Daaz or Eddy's, lets just say, I won't dignifiy that with an answer but just in case you are still walmartizing your thoughts about Ice Cream, let's put it this way, when it comes to Ice cream (from Friendly's, to Eddy's to Godiva and HG), Friendly's is the Pinto, Eddy's is the Volkwagen, Godiva is the Beemer but Haagen Daaz is the S-Class Benz of Ice cream. Nuff said, that settles the fight, everybody, back to your corners.

Lunch was enjoyable, we had a Nigerian politician as pre-lunch, lunch and post-lunch entertainment, no comment came out without inducing laughs from those of us in the audience. I enjoyed it, to tell you the truth, it was almost as if I had traveled to another country and I wanted it to last a little bit longer. The phone kept ringing, everyone's phone kept ringing, the Malaysian, the Business Tycoon cum Harvard bound future millionaire, the house phone, the politician (I think they are asking him to come back quick to run for office), my phone shuddered once but didnt quite ring, then again, I didn't want the all too important gist to be interrupted. Oh, did I tell you that Omarosa got a roasting in the car on the way to our gracious hosts house. None of us would hire her, she had reputedly been fired from a number of jobs in a short amount of time, someone said, if they had to work with her, they would give her a basement office, one employee and a secretary. Then again, her employee and secretary would quit after a week, probably in less time.

We watched home videos of a Nigeria PARTY!!! Let me tell you, there is nothing like a Nigerian party in Nigeria, that is. Three bands, one would probably praise sing, one would bleat out oldies and the other would blast the latest songs with dancers to show the latest moves. Awilo is still in style!! What is a Nigerian get together without a Nigerian movie??? Thats like America without Bill Clinton - in an downward spiral of uninhabitable doldrums!!! So we did what most warm-blooded Nigerians do, we watched an excerpt from $1 and then watched Spanner - the story of a short man (read: Dwarf) who was dating a very tall and beautiful woman. She married someone else, brought her ex( the dwarf) to be her houseboy in a bid to continue the romantic tryst they missed so much. If you want the remaining gist, watch the movie - SPANNER...coming to a home theatre near you. Alternatively, you can get it at No. 23, Nnamdi Azikiwe Rd, Lagos, 10 Igbinupeju Rd, 16, Upper Iweka Rd, Onitsha, 1 Pound Road, Aba!!!

It was a good night to say the least. I didnt get any reading done for my class today, and thats probably why a friend of mine caught the serious look on my face, according to her, I looked like I was dreaming (yeah, I agree, I was dreaming of the jollof rice from yesterday and if it could materialize in front of me right then), I looked concentrated and serious--well, you have to look serious enough for the professor not to call on you. Its better than saying, I am not prepared, right!!! Well, I'll holler later. Before then, It shall be well with you!!!!

.

Listening to music is good for your soul although I am not sure how some people listen to music and study at the same time. I guess as someone said, the music can be used to block out surrounding noise but if I am listening to Beyonce, the last thing I want to be doing or will be able to do is pay attention to what the Rule Against Perpetuities are. (these are complicated set of rules in Properties which I still don’t understand)

Anyway, I was just listening to some music, some South African music, beautiful I must say, Brenda Fassie is a talented musician!! Anyway, I just realized how relaxing it was for me and this took me back to when I worked in Boston. We had a crazy boss and we had a PA system. On some days when my boss was acting like she had ketchup for brains, I used to try to figure ways to do crazy things. One time, no I lie, on so many occassions, I would dial the public address system on our floor and pipe in hip-hop or R&B music from my laptop. It used to drive them crazy, of course when they came by, it looked like I was on the phone chatting to a friend even though I was hardly speaking, meanwhile, Usher was singing "You remind me of a girl that I once knew!!" Oh, you should have seen the day she was pissed off, she was getting on everyone's nerves for a different reason and I decided to play "who let the dogs out." Lets just say that after they never found who let the dogs out, they changed the code for the PA system and only the admin was allowed to page people. Nothing doing, I just moved to my next prank.

“Who let the dogs out, that was one song that made it late to the United States, my sister had that on her answering machine in Canada as far back as 1997 or earlier and I was surprised when it arrived the US years later. Anyway…. Let me tell you, if you had a boss that ever pissed you off or fired you or laid you off, there is so much you can do without getting into trouble (I think) Be creative!! Did I tell you how I signed up my boss on a number of porno sites, junk mails etc. The downside is you can tell their reaction to getting all that crappy email especially the Viagra emails!!!! Lots of pranks, you just have to be creative within legal limits.

The weather today is great, its sunny and the wind is cool etc, you can tell that I wont make it as a weather forecaster or a meteorologist as they are more complicatedly known. Later homies

My daycare provider is taking advantage of me...nah, I dont mean that way, I mean, I pay her $175 a week and she randomly takes days off. Today for example, she is taking today off for Good Friday, me, I had school so I ended up taking my daughter to school, was somewhat unprepared for class and when I got called on, I didnt do justice to the case as I would have liked to. She has done the same thing on Presidents day, MLK day, "Just because I want to have the day off day", I mean on all those days, I had to take the little one to school. Forget about doing any work that day cos the day goes down the proverbial toilet.

I am going to have to start calculating all that she owes me for the days that care was not provided, the lost productivity on those days and the emotional distress she has put me through. I will sue her behind in a jiffy.
For now, I need to just go an sit down somewhere and decompress, my daughter is running all over the place and I have no energy to chase her around. I will holler back later.

Talking about "The Apprentice", my prediction was inverted, it turns out that Amy and Nick were fired, didnt watch it though, Kwame and Bill are left in the game!! Suprise Suprise, Omarosa came back along with Troy, Heidi, Katrina and the just fired Nick and Amy!! Whao, thats a game to play. Now whats the problem with Omarosa?? What is the problem with this Psychotic chick? I mean, you are no longer in the game, yeah but that does not mean you should tank the game for Kwame cos your stank behind got fired a while back!!! Sheeezzz!! She is the kind of person you want to take to a market square and whip her silly. I was going to say Black and Blue but that would be just plain cold. What a %##$

Although, I have to say that this edition seems to be the climax cos I dont know how much more exciting the show can get now. Bill v. Kwame? Well, I vote for Kwame!!

Interesting, I was starving by the time we came out of the OCI informational session, oh sorry, we have a lot of acronyms on campus, OCI is On Campus Interview. This is when all the law firms in the country (literally) descend on the campus to interview the people who would like to slave away at a law firm for big bucks after graduation. Did I say slave away? ooops, I meant work hard, with lots of client interaction and due diligence doing deals that will bring lots of money to the firm.

Talking about Acronyms, there are too many of them, but here at Northwestern, there is one that stands out for the first year students - CLR!!!!! CLR is the polite way of saying "Communication and Legal Reasoning" It is the class with the most time involved and with little credit allocated to it.

There is nothing like CLR to remind you of the 24hour day. During the first year, there is always something due, if it wasnt the first draft of a memo, it was the brief during the second semester. Because of the time crunch, the first draft is all you will ever submit. If you are also lucky to have a crappy irresponsible partner for the "partnered assignments" you may well end up submitting a half baked brief that even someone in a no-tier law school would not dare to hand in. Woe betide you though, given the curve, you may well end up with an "I- " Thats an incomplete minus for the uninitiated. Then again, I made that grade up but I think some people deserve it.

Reading cases for your briefs can go different ways, it is like changing diapers, you do it over and over again till you get to the point where you want to drop the cases in the bin and set the bin on fire. The other part is the writing of the brief - why is it that lawyers like to write in the negative??? Lawyers writing in the negative is not dispositive to the outcome of the case. Lawyers also like to write complicated sentences and I will get you one, hold on:

“The duty owing from defendants to plaintiff in the abstract will vary . . . relative to the juxtaposition of the real world environmental encasement of the two sides. The concept of causation would seem less plastic.”
Gottreich v San Francisco Investment Corp., 552 F2d 866, 867 fn. 2 (9th Cir, 1977).

What the hell does that mean in English? Want another? hold on then:

Consider this sentence from a U.S. Supreme Court brief, asserting the constitutionality of Hawaii's use of eminent domain to purchase a landowner's leasehold interest to sell back to the tenant in fee:

Not since such decisions as Coppage v. Kansas, 236 U.S. 1 (1915), which suggested that inequalities of bargaining power are “but the normal and inevitable result” of liberty of contract, id. at 17-18—decisions thoroughly repudiated by this Court for the last half-century-has it been doubted that regulation tending to offset the unequal bargaining power of employer and employee, or of landlord and tenant, see, e.g., Block v Hirsh, 256 US 135 (1921), is well within ordinary legislative authority.

Brief for Appellants, Hawaii Housing Authority v Midkiff, 467 US 229 (1984), p. 22.

That lawyer deserves to be fired by his client, disbarred and eternally prohibited from holding a pen!!

During the first few weeks of the first year of law school, they try to hammer it into your head how they want you to think like a lawyer. Truth be told, I am not sure when we cross that great rubicon and fall into the cesspool of lawyerly thinking but we certainly start to find ourselves having multiple outlooks to one issue, one which forms our frame of the issue, the others we accomodate because we know they exist. Our multiple outlook is our middle finger to the two-handed economist who never seems to have and stand by an opinion. On one hand, he will tell you that the economy is getting better but on the other hand, the unemployment numbers are getting worse.

Back to CLR, they teach you different methods of approaching your writing. I thought I was in a history/government course when one teacher first mention IRAC - such bad spelling I thought, but it turned out to be a way for us to arrange our writing to the court - Issue Rule Analysis Conclusion. Now that makes sense. Then another teacher intorduced TREAC and along with IRAC, it sounded like the new defense system to be used in the next gulf war! TREAC is another way to bullshit your way around a brief or memo. Lawyers like to write extensively, brevity has never been their forte but TREAC I will tell you is Thesis Rule Explanation (of the case you intend to use in your brief) Analysis Conclusion. I think there is a C missing before the Conclusion but I am trying to be brief so I will skip that.

Persuasive writing is a wonder, in your brief, you contend, you assert, its this court, that court, the lower court, the trial court but whatever you do, never say you believe in a brief, no judge likes to see that in a brief. These start to get blurry and similar after a while especially when you have been typing for two days and have only 3 of 15 pages to show for it.

Then there is Ethos, Pathos and Logos, I learned this from my Freshman English professor in College, I took it to heart then, he was right, twelve years later (yeah it took me that long to go back to law school) it was resurrected in CLR. Ethos, Pathos and Logos is enough to make you think there is a new CLR Fraternity on the 4th floor of Levey Mayer - thats where most of the CLR professors have their offices. Yes, CLR professors are pretty much at the bottom of the food chain, they get the 4th floor office, nice views you would think but noooo...there is no elevator that goes up there. Anytime I have an appointment with my CLR professor, I have to go to the Gym for two days before that. Even with that, by the time I get to the 4th floor, I am panting like a Boston Marathoner who finished 6 hours after the last person had crossed the finished line. CLR professors get no respect, from Administration I mean and I think this is at all schools. They teach one of the most important courses on campus and get the shittiest pay and the crappiest offices, oh yeah, I forgot, I don't think they publish!!!

Alright, let me get off my high horse and get back to work, I have a paper to type not in CLR though. I need to get cracking on it because even though its due in two weeks, there is this anal retentive naive girl in my class who spent her whole spring break writing the paper. The word limit is 4,000. Read again, the word limit is 4,000 and the first question she asks is whether her already written 3,992 word paper will suffice? Will the footnotes count? I have a better question, "can you shut the hell up", "Can you get a life", "Are you normal???"

Property class, we are doing a certain case concerning condos and I find this quote in the case

"it is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands."

Lawyers never seem to have a good reputation. Even my priest seem to be wary of the fact that I go to law school.
I get this bad vibe from him on sunday morning, its like I no matter how many confessions I go to, I never seem to come out clean enough. "Bless me father, for I have sinned, this is my first confession since last week" "What brings you here my son" "Nothing really, I go to law school" "oh, well then, say 10 Hail Marys, 10 Our Fathers, 10 I believe in God and say the Rosary each day before and after school" "Thank you father"

Thank you??? Hmm, I have a tendency to say thank you, for everything. Donald Trump could fire me on his show and I would say thank you. By the way, I think if Donald Trump had his way, he would get Kwame and Bill off the next time, so that Nick and his Amour Amy would face off, now that will be a good show to watch. although some of my classmates seem to think that Nick is certainly no match for the vivacious looking Amy!! We'll see, Must See TV, NBC Thursday night at 8PM and the grand finale is on April 15.

I opened the window in the kitchen this morning and the fresh breeze blew into the apartment. It felt like morning in Nairobi, Kenya. It is sunny and bright here in Chicago, Condoleezza Rice is testifying on TV at the 9/11 commission, I stay through her opening statement and the first question from the panel but I have to leave to go to class.

The #3 bus from the South Side to the downtown area takes ages to come and when it does come, about three of them come at the same time. If only they could space them apart properly, then I wouldn't have to freeze my buns off. Despite the sunny day, it is chilly windy!!! I am not in a hurry anyway, I have my property class in about an hour and the trip to school takes about 40 mins.

Usually, I stop by starbucks in the morning for my usual cup of Caramel Mochiatto but I think this morning will be an exception, I need some water in my system today. I keep drinking coffee all day long and while that can keep you wired, I dont think it is something you want to drink on a daily basis, multiple times a day!!! Then again, I wonder whether that is contributing to my back pain. Anyway, let me glance at my notes for a but before class starts in about 20mins. It is about 10am now. Later alligator...

Did I tell you I go to Law School? Yeah, at noon (and many things do take place at noon around here), we had an info session on getting into a Journal. So there is a journal writing competition at the end of finals, I hear most people are too stressed out to write after the finals. Anyway, we got all the information we needed and when that time comes, we will pick up our packets and write away.

I emailed my cousin in Nigeria today, I don't write long emails usually but writing an email to someone back there should come with more information than a one line email, so I sent something like two pages of email, school gist, personal gist and just plain crazy gist.

I need to run along and get a phone card from the guy in that little shack at the corner of Michigan and Chicago Avenue. I still have one phone card on me that I mistakenly scratched out the pin number, the customer service number does not work and I damn sure have gone through all the numbers I think the scratched out portion could be but could not come up with the right number. Its a $5 card, can I put in all that time trying to call the customer service folks who of course to me now seem like frauds. Oh by the way, I think all these phone cards are sold by the same parent company, they just proliferate in different guises charging you different fees.

Alright, school work calleth, but before then, I will get my phone card, go to McDonalds, yes I do eat junk food (dont kid yourself that the Ceaser Salad there is healthy either) Besides why go to McDees to get a salad??? O well, I'll be back after my last class of the day....I think..

I am in my International Law class and we are discussing the Iraqi situation along with the what the role of the United Nations should be. I think I will be back to this blog later today as this is the first posting I am putting online. You want the professor to think you are following, just keep nodding your head and listen for keywords so that you are not nodding your head and agreeing to your death sentence.

Wireless Video

INTRO

Friday was quite a day. The office lost my paycheck. I think they found out that I yapped them in my write up last week (re: my sendoff) so they decided to show me. It meant I could not pay my rent and when my landlord came by, I knew he was not coming to get rid of the mouse that have been tip-toeing in our kitchen. To make the long weekend worse, my bank card expired and no one was answering the toll free number at the bank. If you ask me, it was a consipracy and when the car I was driving showed "E" on the fuel guage, I had to say the Lord's Financial Prayer in reverse.
WIRELESS VIDEO

By now, Kemi must think I come to her house just to eat 'cos anytime I call to say I am coming over, I always ask if there is food. (cooking or to be cooked). Friday was no different and since there wasn't much going on, I called Kemi. M&M and Dalu came by just then so we all decided to rent a movie and head over to the buka..ooopppss to Kemi's house. We got there and while the jollof rice was meditating on the fire, M&M slotted in the movie. Nothing appeared on the screen. Kemi's TV seemed to have developed a special case of amnesia . Now send me money if I am wrong but isnt there a wire that connects the TV to the VCR that enables pictures to appear on the screen? Like I said, send me money if I am wrong but I think Kemi thought her TV was psychic enough to know whats going on in her VCR.

Let me interpret the Kemi's TV's behavior in romantic lingo. Because there was no wire (communication/or ability to tap current - take your pick) to connect the TV(man) and the VCR(woman), the TV refused to show pictures (show emotions) and the VCR could not transmit picture (her feelings) because they were both not sure of what currents (vibes) were coming from the both sides. So you see the importance of a wire but I digress. Meanwhile, I had begged Kemi to fry Plantain for me. Maybe because I made fun of her wireless video but after giving giving me the standard Nigerian answer "Don't you have hands", she proceeded to smoke us out of her house like bushrats from the Bini forest. I have already purchsed a gas mask for my next visit since I am determined to eat that rice and plantain. By the way, I have asked Kemi to PLEASE purchase a VCR wire and a big screen TV with 100 gigabytes of memory (Hint hint) that's not too much to ask now is it?


OCTOBER RUSH TRANSLATED

Its September, the beginning of the fall semester. Need I say more? There will be new faces on campus, young bloods, faces shining like the moon and looking like pomo. For those looking for hookups, Brandeis U. and Bentley College resumed last week. Because of its distance from Boston, its very good for those of you who like UNDER-G hookups. Harvard and MIT follow suit this Friday 9/5/97 in case you decide on the intellectual hookup with SAT scores ranging from 1400 to near perfect and with GPAs of 3.7 and above. If you are particular about hooking up with a Nigerian, please note that in many cases, they won't be able to identify the Nigerian map/flag and even if his/her family name is Oluwole, S(he) is more likely to claim the Bronx, Brooklyn or LA as their hometown.

In addition to your own, Boston University provides the Middle Eastern and Asian flavor for those interested in international diversity. My friend on Beacon street can attest to that. By the way, I hope your friend has not drowned yet in the boymuda triangle that may include the cough mixture. Northeastern is the driest joint to go fishing. There you have a non-representative, orientationless population with no idea of what time it is. To avoid any socio-paths or psychopaths for that matter, stay away from that school not withstanding their new gym. NU is a typical case of WYSWYG- What you see, WORSE you get.


CONFERENCE ON MARRIAGE AND MUCH MUCH MORE

"Going Solo is a Crime". Is the new slogan adopted by a new club that is being formed in Boston. It's a singles club designed to bring beautiful men and handsome women (also known as EMOTIONAL INVESTORS) together with the long term goal of creating an equivalent "Couples Joint". Elections were held at the conference for an executive board. Speaking with the Chair of the conference at her John Hancock office, Canga who was elected unanimously as President of the Club, (she ran unopposed ), said she hoped to facilitate the "togetherness of people". Also elected was Kemi as Acting Secretary pending her move from Boston. I congratulate them on their election to the board. I have to add that not only are they the Eboard, they are also Clients. According to Canga, "I am available, I'm down with the cleaning , cooking, ESPN watching husband thing ( I believe that housework is one of the few neccessary evils).

And hmmh.." I am not sure what she meant by that last word.

As for Kemi, she believes that " A successful woman is one who makes the money (lot's of it) and who MISTAKENLY marries a man like the ESPN couch potato but let's him do all the housework including laundry, watching the kids if any, buy groceries, cooking (Our man has no choice but to be the house husband) But doesn't get paid for it. Before Long, Ego kicks in and our man is forced to start making money when he sees friends that are married to housewives. Don't forget these are Naija men. So unless you're very domestic, don't even think success comes from being an ESPN watcher.

"If a man will not work, He should not EAT!!" Well, I guess they both have the marriage thing figured out that's why they were elected.

DBN

OSAMEDE 'D' BARBER

OSAMEDE 'D' BARBER

Considering I was being a cheapskate by not visiting the professional barbers, I had to make do with "why-worry" the barber. For those of you who lived in Ibadan, you will remember "Why-worry". He now has a representative on Nevada Ave, my roommate: Osamede Jackson. But don't come rushing for a free haircut yet until I appraise his abilities. First of all, two people have complimented my haircut and that's after discounting that nicompoop in my finance class who asked what those two dots on my head was. I have to also report that Osam ("Why-worry") did a tyson on me. My own roommate cut my left ear, he may as well have bitten it. I am still wincing in pain and I suppose that's why I snapped at Saratu who called just after and said something to me which I did not hear since I mistakenly placed the phone in my left ear. Sorry, I was in pain then. On the whole, there are many reasons to use why-worry, he is fast, dirt cheap and he carries a lot of tissue paper in case he cuts you. Lastly, I am going to have to curse out the female who called when he was cutting my hair. It was because he was distracted by you that he cut my ear, you know yourself. We decided your punishment in absentia. You have to come and cook 21 meals next week as penance. No microwave meals please.


THE HR DEPARTMENT.

Everywhere I go, I seem to run across a lot of people that work in the HR deparment. HoodRats in Boston seem to be all over the place. They flock the mall but they are not buying anything, they crowd the macdonalds but they are not looking for jobs there. They crowd the entrance ways to schools but they are actually skipping it and not attending and don't be mistaken when you see them in colleges in Boston cos they are only checking out the college guys and ladies but they don't actually think of attending college.

You cant buy HR poison in the market, its illegal, you cant chase them like you chase the four-legged ones in Nigeria. Some of them are now into some form of legalized begging. Now let me ask you a question. If you see a HoodRat in Gold-plated earrings, Tommy Hilfiger top, nikes and a can begging for money, what are the chances that my filene's Basement wearing ass will be donating some money to them??? I don't think so.


SKUL 4 WHOT???


The masters program is not what it is cut out to be, so let me console those of you who are still undergrads or those of you who are working and whining about going back to school. When I talk about the masters degree, I take liberty and refer to the MA, MBA, MS, Mphil, medical school, Metc and LL M (Law).

Why is it called a masters? Could it be that we assume we are mastering something? So let me ask you a question, what is it that you did not master as an undergraduate that you have to pay an extra $60,000 to overload your fried brain. I am not saying that people in masters programs are dumb, non-earning, broke-ass, forever want to be a student kinda people but I understand the need for more knowledge. Why not go for a PhD?

Medical Schools:
Those of you in medical schoolsare you trying to tell me you did not know how the body works by the age of 15? If not what were you doing locked in your room with that boy/girl thenDon't bother answering. Actually, the only difference between someone in med. School and a young person is that med. Students deal with cadavers. Actually, you can say those in the ghetto also deal with cadavers since people seem to be shot almost once in every while, but does that mean they are good candidates for med school? Hmmm

MBAs
One advise: if it aint broke, don't fix it. MBAs have been accused of adding no value to the economy. For the most part, they go around buying companies and selling them to others, money changed hands but nothing got added. Obviously this is a stereotype so I will move on. MBAs can be quite innovative though. I met this guy who went to Harvard Business School who is now a London Black Cab Driver with style. He has a VCR in his taxi, a camcorder that lets you take a picture of you on vacation and then he downloads this on his site (I forget the address now) and when you get home, you can view it if you have Netscape. It does not get any better than that.

Law School: LIARS rhyme with LAWYERS
Why go to law school? You all started lying as kids and by now you should be a very good liar , so why do you need to school to perfect it. Going to school only goes to show that if after 22-25yrs, you still don't know how to lie well, then you are obviously too dumb to learn more in law school. All they do is confuse you more with the mantra:
If someone stares at you: Sue them
If your dog eats you homework: sue it
In fact, if you meet anyone you don't like including your parents: sue them.

Its only a lawyer that will sue an animal. Did you know that During the OJ trial, some idiotic lawyer actually thought of getting the judge to subpoena Akita the Dog and make it testify as to what happened.

Under Cross examination:

Marcia Clark: So Akita, who did you see kill Nicole

Akita: Woof Woof

Marcia: Does that mean O.J.

Akita: Woof Woof Woof Woof

Marcia : What do you mean "It aint like that"

Johnny: Your honor, she is badgering the witness.


OSAMEDE'S LYRICS.

You are more than a man can handle but I am SUPERMAN.. Wao..These are the words from a man toasting a lady and she liked the idea too....Lately, my innocent -looking roommate has been getting all these messages both by mail and through the telephone from numerous ladies. Some of them even mistakenly leave messages on my voicemail for my roommate. As for those ones, I tell Osam, "If they can't listen and understand ---Press 1 to leave a message for Osam, they leave much to be desired for ans should be dicounted. " I don't know if Osam agrees. Anyway, last week, he got a missive from ------ and here it goes

Hark Osamede,
What yonder light breaks, you are like the sun that rises in the east and sets in the west. Your brilliant shine overpowers my heart and heats my loins. Your golden shower of rays so intense melts the coldness that I feel when stressed by the evil of this world. Oh how I long to see that African form come striding through my door dressed in fine garments made from the best of Kente cloth. My breast heaves with delight at the thought of your soft caress with those manly hands made strong from the toil of the earth. You are my Madingo, my African prince and love puss. Until I see those dreamy eyes, farewell.


------ Now who said women are not versed in the art of toasting. By the power invested in me, I have since awarded her the Pulitzer prize for toasting.

Till I come your way next week, Cheers.......... .

One Friday

Everyone looks forward to Fridays. For one, it's the last day of the week and with the weekend finally here, we look for all sorts to do. This Friday was a bit different for me because not only was there a lot to do, it did not involve spending a dime. To make it more interesting, it involved FOOD.

First on my agenda was to attend the sendoff party being held for me at work. I almost skipped it though. Where I work, people quit almost every two weeks and we get the same cheese and grapes send off week after week. Mine was a bit different, being the first black person to quit in a while, they put a different spin to it. I walked into that conference room and I see nothing but Doritos/Frito Lay and Salsa with Diet Coke and cheap beer, none of which I drink. They even proceeded to discuss the merits of Salsa sauce over Honeyhorsed whipped cream. What a Sham. After 2 hours of fake smiles , listening to jokes that I didn't understand/wasn't funny, and hearing people tell me they'll miss me when they would rather drown me in salsa sauce, I jetted to the next fun spot, Funto's birthday party.

God Bless her heart. I knew I was wise not to eat Doritos and instead reserve that space for something more digestively eloquent. As I walked through the door, Funto put in my hands, a plate of freshly prepared, steaming Jollof Rice + gizzard + chicken with a little suya-like meat on a stick. TELL ME, if it was you, won't you ignore everybody (Canga take note) and clear your own space in order to concentrate fully on the food??? I was barely through the mountain when Funto asked if I wanted a bowl of peppersoup?? Hehn, is Jesu Christi the son of God??? Comon BRING IT ON!!!!. Phew, by the time I was done, I was sweating through my head and dancing to "stomp" in a stomping kinda way. By now, I had noticed the other people in the room wolfing down chicken legs and cracking the bones, it was that good.

I know I had a lot of peppersoup but it did not blur my vision, for I saw a black homosapien trot in with his homies wearing nothing but a thick jacket and sunshades!!! But Why???? Why!!!!!It was almost 90 degrees outside and it was 10 P.M. "at night" and we were INDOORS!!! WHY??? I almost told Funto not to serve hime peppersoup. I know there was one halogen lamp in the room but it was not that bright!!! Unfortunately, the guy was identified as Nigerian, how I wish it was Canga that brought him, then I could tell solace in hime being from Malawi. Oh by the way, the Homosapien decided to showboat and tell me and Dalu that his Shades were of the Polo species and that he bought them when he went to London the previous month. Like we care, for all I know, he could have bought it second hand from Olangbesho when he went to Asaba last month, after all, he only passed through London en route to Boston.

As usual, after eating, I bailed to my house, where FUNKE was having her own party. Chidi and Frank were already there guzzling beer. Unlike other miscalculated Nigerians, Frank does not believe in Nigerian time when it comes to parties that serve Heneiken. Remember that Heneiken is a premium beer that disappears first before budweiser at any party and for Frank to have his standard one pack at any party, he has to get there first. He was also beefing up for an argument with the ever voracious Canga later that evening. There was FOOD, GOOD MUSIC and the place was pumping. You know a place is jamming when your white Landlord strolls up to your door to join the party. His wife had to come get him. As with every other loud party, the cops visited us twice but that did not spoil the fun.

I topped the weekend by watching swingers. That's a mellow movie but one that every guy should watch and maybe women. It teaches you about the rules of the dating game particularly the three day waiting period. When you get a number from a woman, please do not call that very night when you get home at 2am, how desperate can you be???? (At least that's what the movie taught me) Chill for three days and if you are a player(for men) or playerette (for women), wait for the six day minimum before you call. Oh, if you break off with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it is a very bad idea to call for at least three months (if you do, you must be a goat) The guy in the movie had broken up for six months and the foolish/poor guy waited for a phone call for the six months- what a wuss!!! Anyway, he was broken hearted and when he met this other woman and started dating her, his girlfriend calls and says she has being thinking about him- yeah rightin the arms of another man. That's two rules in dating I have given you.

I was tactically able to cook a pot of Egusi soup successfully this Sunday. I had all the ingredients quite alright and after weeks of soliciting either the pot of soup or the recipe from many of my so called "femail" Friend, I gave up and did the did myself. Osam (my roommate) woke up from sleep when he perceived the aroma and after eating it, with imported Garri from Benin, he refused to wash his hands. So to those of you I asked for the pot of Egusi soup or the recipe for it, stick that pot and recipe where it belongs. Guys, if you need the new and improved recipe, I'll be glad to provide it and lessons to go with it. More power.

The End

THIS IS LAGOS

This is Lagos!!! How do I know? Only in Lagos will it take 3 hours to retrieve your lugguage in landing. Only in Lagos will people dump garbage exactly where the sign says "Keep lagos clean" Only in Lagos will Policemen stop you every 5meters. They don't ask for your particulars anymore, they chase to the cut and ask for money. Its only in Lagos that NEPA cooperates with the Mosquitoes to wreck havoc on the blood system and skin. This is definitely Lagos!!! A place where nobody is on seat when you go to their office. A place where you have to make an appointment with Mr. B today in order to see Mr. B tomorrow just to sign a piece of paper he could sign in just 5 seconds now. Where else will someone hit your car from behind and a soldier walk over and tell him to go??? Where else will a soldier go around town checking on his boys to make sure they are collecting enough money from motorists??? Where else can you earn N2000 a month but your landlord charges you N6000??? THIS is definitely Lagos.


NAA-NIGERIAN AIRPORT ATTITUDE

The NAA is back again. This time, it is bigger, meaner, and louder. It's a group that revives mostly at Christmas. Its motto is CHAOS. At the Amsterdam airport this Christmas, a group of Nigerians, no correct that, a plane load of Nigerians who had their flight cancelled the previous day came back to the airport the following day cursing and ranting and forming almost 5 lines when it was time to board the flight to Lagos. One interesting but seemingly illiterate guy who could not decipher the flight details on the TV monitor started to harass the flight attendant. I bet you she was tuned in the NAA because she shouted right back at him and walked out on him. Those KLM flight attendants on the Lagos route don't take shit from Nigerians anymore. They don't care if the coffee pours on your head or if you need more tea and you shout it instead of asking politely. And check out the squeaky dirty 747 which they fly to Lagos. Fly KLM on other routes and you will understand the nastiness with which the Lagos flights are handled. But who cares?? As long as I get there SAFELY.


WEAVE ONS FROM THE MOTHERLAND

Fashion in Nigeria never ceases to amaze me. I have to be forgiven if I sometimes mistaken Nigeria as the fashion capital of Africa. However, if I am correct, then this xmas certainly baffled me. Apart from the women I saw in braids, almost all the other women wore weaves. Certainly almost does not kill a bird and I definitely have no problems with weaves but when I started to mistaken a lot of Nigerian ladies for black chinese women, I knew there was a problem. Someone should educate me but I am of the opinion that in the same way that not everyone should wear spandex, am I not correct to assume that no everyone should wear weave-ons. I saw people with long beautiful hair cut it just to wear the weave. It didn't help that these people don't even know how to wear the thing. I looked at a lot of heads wearing the weave and I could still see the joining to the real hair. Forgetting my manners, I kept pointing this out to them but hey that's just me. Fashion for fashion sake, the Nigerian way?? Actually I hear they leave the joinings exposed so that people can know that they have the weave on which actually look like horse tails on their heads.


PROFILE OF THE NIGERIAN WORKER

The first question is "Who IS the Nigerian worker?" Surely if the worker is an employee of Mobil, Shell, NNPC or Chevron, the person does not qualify. Surely the guards at the American Embassy or the British High Commission does not qualify. The Nigerian worker is a phantom who is paid $25 to $40 a month, gets to work anytime just to register a presence and long enough to exchange office gossip and give an opinion on the coup. They then proceed to one of three places - back home where they just came from- as one teacher put it, he is not paid enough to stand in the classroom how much more teach. The second destination is to her place of business which possibly pays her more in a month what she could earn in four or five months. The last port of call is the local beer parlor where he can offer an in-depth analysis of the latest coup and the macro economic effects on the exchange rate. The Nigerian worker!!! Suffering and Smiling and always Managing!!!!!!


FOUR WEDDINGS AND A LOT OF ELIGIBLES

The weddings were plentiful, both traditional and church weddings, people are tying the knot in numbers and more eligible are attending these functions in great numbers. Palmwine , goat meat and jollof rice were plentiful. I saw "evil" aunts working and networking like they were planning the merger of two companies-sic. It was fun though seeing all the fine ladies and for my cousins, seeing some of the eligible bachelors. At this point, I want to say congratulations to those of you who got married this Xmas period, those who were engaged this xmas and lastly, thos who hooked up this xmas 'cos I know the wedding bells will toll soon.

The End

Life in the Basement

Floods and Basements

It was October 25, 1996, and I was at the airport seeing a friend's father off. It was raining heavily and we could hear people at the airport discussing how bad it was. My friend's uncle who was a home-made clown in his own right was saying how badly flooded some people's houses were. He even added that he would turn his unaffected house which was on a hill into a hotel for the night and make himself some money. In the middle of our discussions, my phone rang. It was my brother on the line telling me our basement apartment was flooded. "How bad?" I asked, "Almost knee-length" he said. I said ok and hung up. That did not sound good.

We left the airport in a hurry. I was actually trying to do two things, leave the airport so I did not have to pay for parking which was free for the first hour and get home in time to see the extend of the damage. I got home and from the top of the staircase, I had to ask my brother to fling me my boots. I waddled in to see the damage and I was ready to leave immediately. My bed which I did not have a stand for was soaked, my pictures which I had prepared to send out for reprints were all stuck together damaged, electronic appliances were almost soaked with water. My brother had done a good job of getting the most important things out of the way. In any case, the whole place was a lake and since there was nothing I could do, I decided to go watch a movie. I know it does not make sense, but what's a man to do in such a situation? Call 911? The whole city was flooded and call the fire department was out of the question.

The lessons of that day are not lost on me. Whatever you do, don't leave in a basement. I was thinking of forming a group called BAD - Basement Association Dwellers. My friend Jerry lives in a basement in Quincy and Remi lives in a basement in West Roxbury even though she likes to call her basement "a basement on the first floor" just because her building is sort of on a hill.

Basement life can be intriguing. Leaking roof, no TV reception (I have not being able to watch X-files for a long time and depleted oxygen. Oh yeah, that reminds me of the day I came back from work and was taking a nap only to wake up and see a fireman in my room. "What the ....?" I was dazed at first. I got up and came out only to see more of them. An ambulance was outside with fire trucks and all.

For some strange reason, my brother (he's no doctor you know but he's a budding expert in the health industry) decided that his headaches were being caused by carbon monoxide poisoning in the apartment. He called 911. Now I know why 911 says they are overburdened. They ran their tests in the apartment and advised us to visit the emergency room at Brigham and Women.


Like foolish sheep, the three of us drove to the hospital where of course they asked for our insurance before they asked what was wrong. I guess we were sort of excited at the unknown. We hadn't being in a hospital in a long time apart from my brother who works there and I guess boredom contributed a part. I was partially covered by insurance and Craig who was not working at the time gave me this lecture about how unemployed people are covered by some government insurance. Go figure that one out. Anyway, tests revealed nothing to worry about and Craig learnt something about government insurance a few weeks later. He got hit by a $243 bill. $20 for the blood test and $223 for using the emergency room. How is that for someone who was unemployed. As for me, insurance covered $218 so I paid the remainder. I laughed at Craig till I became hungry. Craig actually wants to continue living in the basement. He is convinced that since people like Bill Gates (MicroSoft) and Mitch Kapor (Lotus 123) started in the basement and hit it big, then he could do the same. Not me I say. He says great things happen in basements and I interrupt him and say "sure, great things like floods and power outages"



Telephones
Why do people call you when you are watching your favorite show and they insist you really do not want to talk to them. In a sense, that's true cos you don t want to talk to them then but there was always later. I had a friend who always wanted to know what's up? She figures she can clue in on everyone's life. I decided I had enough of her so I started listening to the weather forecast everyday so that whenever she called and asked "what's up, what's happening?", I could go "Well, its cloudy up there, expect some light rain with the northeasterly breeze coming in form the Cape. Tomorrow, there will be sunshine and temperatures will be in the 60s, have a nice night." Click! As of today, she still doesn't get the message.


The telephone is high in demand in the basement. I and my roommates have loads of people to call since virtually nobody calls us.

There is a unwritten rule in the basement that says whenever you are on the phone, you can spend the rest of the night on it even if somebody else just wants to make a two minute call to order food or set up a date. There is also something to be said for not answering the beep when a call is coming through a la call-waiting. My roommates seem to have a porous brain as I never seem to get my phone messages till five days later when the caller calls again and starts to lambast me for not returning his/her call. The scenario is always interesting but objectionable. The phone rings and Ipick up:

Me: Hello, what's up

Whoever: How come you have not returned my call.

Me: You haven't called me in two years....

Whoever: I called you three days ago and Craig said you were out...

Craig: Oh yeah!! "Whoever" called you on Wednesday night.

Me: Sure, thanks for telling me now, any other messages?


I have stop worrying about getting messages, I just worry about being able to use the phone. Who knows, the day I would want to call 911, I probably wont be able to. A question to ponder is why you want to call a friend a discuss a show as it is going on? Its a waste of time and you occupy precious phone lines. Does the phrase "all trunks are busy" mean anything to you?




Bills

Bills, bills, bills. I always dread going to my mail box every day because I know there will always be a bill there. I would rather get no mail than to get a bill. I hate bills much the way I hated division in mathematics in grade school. I used to pray at night for GOD to punish the person who invented division. I have got over that now since I have to divide the bills between me and the basement crew.


There is something wrong with having so many bills to pay. You could almost run through a list without running out. You have rent, phone bills, cable bills, electricity bills, gas bills, heating bills, car notes, credit card bills and for my humble friend, Craig who can single handedly fund the City of Boston when he pays his parking tickets which one time came up to $900.


One of the worst things about bills is when you have to split them and God bless you if the utility is in your name. In my case, the phone and the cable bills were in my name and those were the most difficult to collect and they always seem to be the highest bills apart from the rent. Our phone bills were always due thirty days after we receive them and one of my roommates could spend that 30days arguing about which is his call and which was not. Sometimes, I look up to the heavens to see if there are any aliens lifting off who might have made the call.


The cable bill is another one. It is easier to sort out than the phone bill but getting one of your roommates to admit to ordering spice or playboy is like trying to get into Harvard from grade 6. In any case one person always tries to save the day and you always know the guilty party when they say "okay just to make things easier, I'll pay for it" I really don't care what anyone thinks but I will never volunteer to pay for anything I did not order and definitely not spice.


The last time we all ordered pay-per-view, it was when Tyson got decked by Evander Holyfield. I supported Tyson through the fight while my roommates and some of their friends supported Holyfield. The bill came long after the fight was over and I figured that those who supported Holyfield pay the entire bill. Of course with my roommates, that wasn't a good idea. In the end, we all split the bill equally.

Hanging Out
Deciding where to go with my friends can sometimes take eternity. Someone is always not going to be in the mood for what we were going to do. I remember the day we all went out to a night club, I spent the whole night watching everyone dance. I promised myself never to do that again.


Going out to dinner together can be hilarious at times. People behave the way the government does. If they are paying for it, they only come in small bits, as long as someone else is paying for it, they come in truckloads and wastage occurs. We went to International House of Pancakes (IHOP) one evening and it was almost Xmas. Everyone ordered a small plate of this or that. As soon as my brother said he was paying, everyone went haywire and started to order things that weren't even on the menu.


The movies is another empire on its own. I doubt I have ever gone to a movie early or in time for that matter. It was not a matter of choice. It makes me wonder if they all live in a virtual reality world where time is 15minutes slow. There are some people who would not miss their previews for anything. They consider it the best part of the movie. My friend Patricia figures you can never be late for a movie because all the previews take at least 10minutes. I suppose that's the reason she can't tell you how any movie she has watched began.


Clubbing on the whole seem to be our entertainment of choice. Maybe it is because we enjoy seeing each other dance like monkeys high on banana or maybe we just like seeing who would sweat the most and soak the attire they just bought the day before at the mall. In any case, each of the clubs we frequent holds a story for us.


First stop: Club Joy. We decided at the last minute to go there one Friday night when a lady who had come to see my friend Craig decided she did not have the proper clothes to wear. We had not planned on going out. We never do. Anyway, I ended up giving her an old pair of pants which looked new and they fitted. I had not worn those pant since my freshman year. I should have known that the girl was seriously broke when she asked who was going to pay. I intentionally ignored that questioned knowing fully well that I could fall victim to the "leaking pocket" syndrome if I did. Nobody actually answered her question but the point was that she came to see Craig and we all knew her. We got to the club and they went in before me since I had to park the car. Ten minutes later when I got to the door , Craig and the girl were still there. Patricia and my brother had already gone to the dance floor. Something told me there was a monetary problem and being the friend that I was, I pretended like I did not know what was going on. After all, why pay for someone who one could qualify as a "pest/user extraordinaire." They hadn't expected the entry fee to be $15, so Craig ended up coughing up double the amount that night. Poor guy. Craig has become wiser since then.


Essex is another club we frequent often but it so happens that my brother became familiar with the bouncer not in a good way though. You see, my poor brother was hadn't quite hit the legal age limit for Saturday nights and the foreign license wasn't cutting it. One night, we went there but I forgot my license at home so I had to go back to get it. They stayed in line. By the time I got back, I saw my M&M prancing the street around the club cursing the passing taxi drivers under his breathe. It seemed nobody wanted to stop for him. I don't blame the taxi drivers though, who wants to carry a black man that has just being dissed by a bouncer at the club. When I tooted my horn, the poor guy almost cursed me out too because he did not realize it was me. In any case, he spent the night at home.


That kinda reminds me of when I was underage and used to go to Club with Craig and Jerry. This was at the Roxy on Ebony nights. They had me go ahead of them so that if I got dissed(I was using the foreign license then), they could avoid the embarrassment I would suffer. So much for buddies.


I think at one point, we got bored with clubbing in Boston and we decided to go to Vincent's which is almost in Providence, Rhode Island if you ask me. Craig was so excited, he ironed his clothes for two hours till the line in his pants could almost slice bread. Patricia was invariably excited. I am still not sure why but I think it had something to do with the fact that I said Vincent's was near Rhode Island. Can you imagine, she was going to the Islands, mon!! We got there and Craig and I were predicting that either my brother or Patricia would be bounced so we made them go ahead of us in the line. We had to leave because Patricia was bounced for not adhering to the dress code!!! Back to Massachusetts we went. I believe we went to Games Village to expend the dancing energy we had that night.


Games Village was another smoke-filled joint we go to when we get bored. It's an arcade that caters to anyone who loves video games. There is something addictive about the place and I decided that whenever we went, I would take only ten dollars. You could loose your wallet in there. There was a night we went and they almost closed the place down with us still in there. We came back home with some of the arcade tokens.



Food
The alpha and omega of human sustenance. I would not advise you to come to the basement hungry cause you just may drop dead from hunger and given that we are so broke all the time, calling an ambulance or even a taxi to cart you away is not even an option. Surely, we can hide your body in the dumpster but who wants to do that. There are times when the basement resembles a desert. Nothing to eat or drink. No wonder all the rats that moved in with us moved out about four weeks later. I am surprised they lasted that long.


Initially, I couldn't figure out why the roaches in the our apartment were dying but after I called the Nobel Laureate Scientist at Harvard, he came to the conclusion that the rate of acceleration of the roaches could not be sustained by the ecosystem within the apartment. In layman's language, the roaches were dying due to lack of food.


One of the things that bugged me in the basement was leaving a perfectly good dinner in the fridge. See, I tend to do that a lot so I dont have to cook after work the next day. Well, what happens is a classic case for Agent Mulder and Agent Scully. I am at work all day, I dream about this food in the fridge, how I was going to nuke it in the microwwave, how I was going to pour my orange juice in the glass and then the process of selecting a TV program to watch with my meal. I also imagine myself feeling good at the end of the meal, sitting there in my living room with a feeling of satisfaction.

Well, I guess some days are not meant to be. By the time I get home in anticipation, open the fridge to retrieve my plate of excellent dinner IT's GONE!!!!!!!!! What happened???? I don't usually accuse my roommates of depriving me of essential nutrients but I surely thought of calling 911 once. "This call is being recorded, what is the purpose of this call"

"Errr, emm, I am calling to report a robbery"

"Where do you live?"

"Next to the brown house by the Museum"

"Can you give me an exact address sir?"

"ohh, sorry, its 157 Ocean Park Drive"

"Okay, I will send an officer over, meanwhile, can you make a list of the stolen items?"

"Oh that's easy officer, its just one plate of Jollof Rice and Plaintains!"

"What?????"

"I said its just one plate of food"

"You mean you called us just because you had a plate of food stolen???Are you nuts??? Do you know how many people have died because you tied up this phone line with your lousy call???...." "But I paid my taxes!!"

"Shit men!!You must be one stupid dude" Click! He hangs up and I go to bed hungry



Chuck Express
My dear friend, Patricia gave my still-born company this name. It sounds funny especially when she says it and it has become a tease phrase for them. The company even has a motto, Chuck Express-taking you where you've never been. I actually thought of printing Business cards with my name and title :Director of Logistics

The name came about because a conference was being hosted at Harvard and I was organizing people from Northeastern to attend. I ended up ferrying everyone of them there. Invariably, a lot of people want to USE you because you have a car and they think they look so innocent doing so. Well, these are their stories.


A girl once called me and asked me if I could drive her to the ATM to get some money. Mind you, her house was closer to the ATM and it would have taken me longer to drive to her house than it would take her to walk to the ATM. The ATM was just down the street from her place. Anyway, I doubt she needed the money urgently?, and even if she did, there were other excuses. I stayed home.




I had this pest come at 12 midnight in the middle of the week asking me to help her move her stuff from one area in Boston to another. Even U-Haul does not offer a 24 hour service. She was just like my kid sister and I guess I have a soft spot for people who start to cry when they know you are going to refuse them. Anyway, I helped her but I told her never to call me after 9pm.


I think the rudest people were those who never used to call me at least to say hello but when I got a car figured I work at a driving school. They come up to me and bat their eyelids like I was going to fall for that and they proceed to tell me how they've always wanted to learn how to drive. "I am free on Saturdays for lessons" she would pucker her lips and make you want to even want to kiss her but I have to play along so I say "...really, morning or evening?" "Evenings" she adds enthusiastically. "Sorry, I work evenings" I lie sounding disappointed knowing fully well that I just told a cruel lie. I end up telling them to call a driving school, wouldn't want to cut into their profits.


People can insult you in many ways when you have a car. I once asked this girl out (when I did not have a car) and she basically turned me down. I figured that was it. She never called again. One fine day just as I was listening to Mariah Carey, she calls and asks me to drive her to an outlet store in Maine. I thought about it for a minute and I figured I had the time to take her so I asked her to rent a car from Alamo and call me when she was ready. She never called back. Go figure.


Never ever take directions from someone who does not drive. They may tell you its the grey building by the post office but they sure as hell wont tell you that all the streets around the area are one way streets. By the time you realize that, you are on the Massachusetts Turnpike to New York.

Little Things

Little Things

I was in star market last week and the lady in front of me who so happened to be Nigerian as I found out later was keeping the line waiting. Whats the problem someone asked? The cashier mentioned that they had to price check a product. The lady was disputing the price of the product with the cashier. Okay. We were kept waiting for a good 20minutes when the aisle-boy came back with the product. It was only ten cents cheaper. Ten cents, I could have paid it for the woman if that was her problem. Then the lady was about to leave when she said

"sista, abeg give me lylon"
Cashier: sorry??
Woman: Make you give me lylonlylon bag
Cashier: you want a bag (probably thinking she meant something else) go over on Aisle 5

I had to interrupt now and plead with the cashier to give her a plastic bag.


Technology


A lot of evils have been blamed on technology. It has made us stupid in many ways. Take the calculator for example, it has made so many so dumb they cant even think anymore. Two days ago, I bought grilled chicken and a cup of milk shake from Mcdonalds and even with a calculator (via the cash register) homeboy could not add the price up. HE HAD TO CALL THE MANAGER!!!!

Take our secondary school career, I give props to all of you who had to sweat through those log tables whenever you had to solve a problem. You could have a problem that asked

956548.45 x (557.473/904.767)

With a calculator, no problem, with a log table, you have to be strong. I bet if they put a log table in front of many of you, you would not know where to start. That's by the way.

Answering machines have fast disappeared from a lot of households and have been replaced by voicemail. Of course my friend Dr. Henry refuses to part with his, but I understand. The problem with voicemail is that you can't screen your calls anymore since you don't know who is calling (that's if anyone calls you). I assume you are all literate and aware of when you have reached a voicemail as opposed to when you have reached an answering machine. So why is it that some people still call my house, they get my voicemail and yet they keep screaming on my voicemail "Dozie, pick up the phone, I know you are there, hello, pick up the phone, okay its 8 o'clock, call me later, this is ------- by the way"

Noooo, you don't know I am there, but now I surely know you are technologically challenged and maybe illiterate too.


An Aside

The other day I was shopping with a friend and she wanted to buy some toilet roll. To me sha, toilet roll is toilet roll, its all made from paper. She wanted the softest one she could lay her hands on and I retorted saying I did not know she was that delicate. Anyway after blasting me and the men of my generation, I thought seriously about how we (boys in FGCK and other school's boarding houses) almost single handedly put the toilet paper industry out of business.

It used to be that guys did what women in America did-troop to the bathroom together, but this time, it was not a conventional bathroom but one where leaves and trees abound. (hopefully far away from the boarding house master's ill-mannered "police dog") This occurred with great frequency on Friday nights after a bad supper of beans and insects that fell in during cooking. Then, guys used to walk into the room and pick up all the pieces of papers we could find and start to rub it together so it could get softer than it was. (Who said Nigerians don't recycle) They then head to the bush to do what we then termed as "BUSHGAMING". We never wasted paper and I think that's why people's notebooks used to disappear a lot. FGCK was very beautiful then and it was hard for our principal to explain to the Minister of Education during a visit how we (in the middle of the harmattan/winter) were able to grow such beautiful trees on what was thought to be barren land.


OF BASEMENTS AND BOYSQUARTERS

Some of you think that basement apartments are the scums of apartments. Some of you think that boysquarters lack the quality of a home and is for lowlifes. You know what I think? You've all lost your thinking faculties. The other day, someone was berating Lape for living in a boysquarter!!! Have you lost your mind? I must categorically say now that whoever that person was (cos I have forgotten) yor brain must be made of cashew nuts. Let me school you.

First the role of boysquarters in the Nigerian psyche cannot be overstated. Back home my father banned some reading materials from his house. These included Prime People, Vintage People, Super Story, Ikebe Super and Lolly (Dauda the sexy guy). My cousin lived in our BQ then. As the lord is my spirtitual refuge, the BQ was my reading refuge. It was the only place I could go and fully appreciate the reason why Boy Alinco kept chasing Pepeiye (Ikebe Super: Good reference material for those who want to know how to mack) It was the only place where I could comfortably peruse a copy of Lolly which my cousin bought. In Lolly, Dauda the sexy guy was always banging someone's wife or daughter and is always almost caught. Talk of someone who is smooth and knows how to keep an ear out while in the middle of a job. (who says men can do two things at the same time.

Then you look at Basements in the US. They say when in rome do like the romans (i.e. aside from wearing all that metal they used to) I think I have done my time when it comes to living in the basements. I made sure to hedge my future. Kemi had done time too, so has Henry, Feyi and Saratu. Let me explain. Bill Gates lived in a basement. Look at him. Rich Kapoor (Lotus Development) lived in a basement (near MIT) , look at him now. Tom Cruise used to live in a basementLook at him nowThere are too many to list. There is a correlation btw living in a basement and well being a billionaire (in $$$$). My friend Dr. Owunna lived in a basement (Nna ndo) and he is now a DR. at a pharmaceutical company in NJ. I predict that in the next ten years he will own his own pharmaceutical manufacturing plant, well on his way to billionaire status. The basement theory really works. I wont blow my own trumpet but I think I may be able to give out free airline tickets (what do you think about that) Feyi, when you own your Accounting/consulting practice, don't forget my audits.

The End

Who wants to marry a Nigerian millionaire???

Welcome to our new and exciting game show.

The rules: Each contestant takes their place in the hot seat and get to ask a few questions of their suitors. At the end of the round, if there is a match, you get oil drilling in Ogoniland. The first occupant of the hot seat is Banke, a lawyer from Ife. Our first contestant is Segun who lives in Ibadan.

Round 1. Banke in hot seat.

Banke: Hi.
Segun: Hello.
Banke: So what is your discipline?
Segun: Finance.
Banke: what do you do?
Segun: I am a manager.
Banke: Segun, everyone in Nigeria is a manager, tell me something better!!
Segun: Well, I am a financial manager in Guiness Asset Management.
Banke: Where are you from anyway?
Segun: I come from Modakeke.
Banke: Ah, o ti o, forget it, please RMD, bring the next contestant(((

Round 2 : Nkiru in Hot seat

Peter: Hello.
Nkiru: Hi, so tell me about yourself.
Peter: I am a trader from Enugu and I go to Taiwan and Singapore twice a year to buy electronics. I have one shop in Onitsha and one in Lagos at Alaba.
Nkiru: Where do you have a house since you are all over the place?
Peter: Well, I live in Ebutte Meta so that's no problem.
Nkiru: Well, at xmas time, where would we spend xmas, in my home town of Mbaise or in Enugu where you are from?
Peter: Oh, you are from Mbaise? (He laughs a little) Chei, so you have not heard that if you ever see an Mbaise woman and a snake, kill the Mbaise woman first before you kill the snake??? Chei, RMD, I quit(..

Round 3: Aishatu Magaji in the hot seat

This round had to be stopped because Aishatu had already been betrothed to Alhaji Megida since the age of 12.

Round 4: Bisi on the hot seat

Bisi: Hello RMD.
RMD: Hello to you too, your first contestant is Emeka; Welcome.
Emeka: Thanks RMD, Bisi, Hello.
Bisi: Hi, so tell me about yourself, what you do for a living etc.
Emeka: I am from Oboiwu, I am an Investment Banker and I love to play chess.
Bisi: RMD, can I make use of one of my life lines?
RMD: Sure, why not, who do you want to call?
Bisi: I will call my mother.
RMD: Okay, Nitel and Multilink will both try to reach your mother.

(Multilink operator: We have Bisi's mom on the line.)
(RMD: Thanks.)

RMD: Mama Bisi, This is RMD here with Bisi who is playing to win a husband and get oil drilling rights in Ogoni land, she needs you to help her make her choice.
Mama Bisi: Yes, how can I help
Bisi: Mummy, I have Emeka here who is an investment banker from Oboiwu and I am definitely interested.
Mama Bisi: Does his father own a bank?
Bisi: No ma.
Mama Bisi: Do they own a factory?

(Nitel Operator: RMD, we are really sorry but all trunks are busy, please try later.)
(RMD: You've been very helpful, thanks.)

Bisi: No ma.
Mama Bisi: So he's a banker?
Bisi: Yes ma.
Mama Bisi: Omo Ibo ko, Owo Ibo ni, se ori re ope ni? Look, you better come home now and forget Omo Ibo, Seyi's father owns a bank, I want you to marry him. A person who works in a bank is a worker not a banker!!! (Hangs up)
RMD: So do you want to continue?
Bisi: No, I will quit now.
RMD: Is that your final answer?
Bisi: Unfortunately yes.

Final Round: Bunmi on the hot seat

RMD: Welcome to the......
Bunmi: RMD, lets not waste any time today, lets get on with it.
RMD: Aha....we are on schedule and .....
Bunmi: You are not on my own schedule oh, I need a man and I need him yesterday.
RMD: Okay, our first contestant is Tayo.
Bunmi: Is Tayo an old KC boy?
RMD: What does it matter?
Bunmi: I went to QC and anything less is absolutely unacceptable.
RMD: Okay, maybe we should bring IK, a lawyer now and an old student from KC.
Bunmi: Ik, Ik..., is that IK Benson?
RMD: Yes, you are psychic!!!
Bunmi: RMD, I will marry him, I dated him before and know all about him. Besides he went to Unilag too. Thanks

RMD: What a day, with that we bring an end to today's show, we would like to thank our sponsors, MULTILINK, NITEL and NAIJACARD.......A message from our sponsors.

This Game show was brought to you by NAIJACARD......


Marrying a British Guy : Right of Abode
Marrying an American : Green Card
Marrying a Japanese woman: Lots of Sushi
Marrying a Nigerian: Priceless

There are some things that Oyibo can't do
For everything else, there's a naija guy/babe.......