Little Things

Little Things

I was in star market last week and the lady in front of me who so happened to be Nigerian as I found out later was keeping the line waiting. Whats the problem someone asked? The cashier mentioned that they had to price check a product. The lady was disputing the price of the product with the cashier. Okay. We were kept waiting for a good 20minutes when the aisle-boy came back with the product. It was only ten cents cheaper. Ten cents, I could have paid it for the woman if that was her problem. Then the lady was about to leave when she said

"sista, abeg give me lylon"
Cashier: sorry??
Woman: Make you give me lylonlylon bag
Cashier: you want a bag (probably thinking she meant something else) go over on Aisle 5

I had to interrupt now and plead with the cashier to give her a plastic bag.


Technology


A lot of evils have been blamed on technology. It has made us stupid in many ways. Take the calculator for example, it has made so many so dumb they cant even think anymore. Two days ago, I bought grilled chicken and a cup of milk shake from Mcdonalds and even with a calculator (via the cash register) homeboy could not add the price up. HE HAD TO CALL THE MANAGER!!!!

Take our secondary school career, I give props to all of you who had to sweat through those log tables whenever you had to solve a problem. You could have a problem that asked

956548.45 x (557.473/904.767)

With a calculator, no problem, with a log table, you have to be strong. I bet if they put a log table in front of many of you, you would not know where to start. That's by the way.

Answering machines have fast disappeared from a lot of households and have been replaced by voicemail. Of course my friend Dr. Henry refuses to part with his, but I understand. The problem with voicemail is that you can't screen your calls anymore since you don't know who is calling (that's if anyone calls you). I assume you are all literate and aware of when you have reached a voicemail as opposed to when you have reached an answering machine. So why is it that some people still call my house, they get my voicemail and yet they keep screaming on my voicemail "Dozie, pick up the phone, I know you are there, hello, pick up the phone, okay its 8 o'clock, call me later, this is ------- by the way"

Noooo, you don't know I am there, but now I surely know you are technologically challenged and maybe illiterate too.


An Aside

The other day I was shopping with a friend and she wanted to buy some toilet roll. To me sha, toilet roll is toilet roll, its all made from paper. She wanted the softest one she could lay her hands on and I retorted saying I did not know she was that delicate. Anyway after blasting me and the men of my generation, I thought seriously about how we (boys in FGCK and other school's boarding houses) almost single handedly put the toilet paper industry out of business.

It used to be that guys did what women in America did-troop to the bathroom together, but this time, it was not a conventional bathroom but one where leaves and trees abound. (hopefully far away from the boarding house master's ill-mannered "police dog") This occurred with great frequency on Friday nights after a bad supper of beans and insects that fell in during cooking. Then, guys used to walk into the room and pick up all the pieces of papers we could find and start to rub it together so it could get softer than it was. (Who said Nigerians don't recycle) They then head to the bush to do what we then termed as "BUSHGAMING". We never wasted paper and I think that's why people's notebooks used to disappear a lot. FGCK was very beautiful then and it was hard for our principal to explain to the Minister of Education during a visit how we (in the middle of the harmattan/winter) were able to grow such beautiful trees on what was thought to be barren land.


OF BASEMENTS AND BOYSQUARTERS

Some of you think that basement apartments are the scums of apartments. Some of you think that boysquarters lack the quality of a home and is for lowlifes. You know what I think? You've all lost your thinking faculties. The other day, someone was berating Lape for living in a boysquarter!!! Have you lost your mind? I must categorically say now that whoever that person was (cos I have forgotten) yor brain must be made of cashew nuts. Let me school you.

First the role of boysquarters in the Nigerian psyche cannot be overstated. Back home my father banned some reading materials from his house. These included Prime People, Vintage People, Super Story, Ikebe Super and Lolly (Dauda the sexy guy). My cousin lived in our BQ then. As the lord is my spirtitual refuge, the BQ was my reading refuge. It was the only place I could go and fully appreciate the reason why Boy Alinco kept chasing Pepeiye (Ikebe Super: Good reference material for those who want to know how to mack) It was the only place where I could comfortably peruse a copy of Lolly which my cousin bought. In Lolly, Dauda the sexy guy was always banging someone's wife or daughter and is always almost caught. Talk of someone who is smooth and knows how to keep an ear out while in the middle of a job. (who says men can do two things at the same time.

Then you look at Basements in the US. They say when in rome do like the romans (i.e. aside from wearing all that metal they used to) I think I have done my time when it comes to living in the basements. I made sure to hedge my future. Kemi had done time too, so has Henry, Feyi and Saratu. Let me explain. Bill Gates lived in a basement. Look at him. Rich Kapoor (Lotus Development) lived in a basement (near MIT) , look at him now. Tom Cruise used to live in a basementLook at him nowThere are too many to list. There is a correlation btw living in a basement and well being a billionaire (in $$$$). My friend Dr. Owunna lived in a basement (Nna ndo) and he is now a DR. at a pharmaceutical company in NJ. I predict that in the next ten years he will own his own pharmaceutical manufacturing plant, well on his way to billionaire status. The basement theory really works. I wont blow my own trumpet but I think I may be able to give out free airline tickets (what do you think about that) Feyi, when you own your Accounting/consulting practice, don't forget my audits.

The End