On my way to go and get my passport in NY, I passed so many towns, I went by New Haven, New London, New Rochelle and even New Lagos!!!!!!
Believe me, in Connecticut, Exit 39, there it was, New Lagos!!!
This was one exit that I had to get off. New Lagos? In America?
The sign just off the exit said, Welcome to New Lagos, Rest Stop 2 miles, Gas, Lodging and Food, 5 Miles!!! I told Yemi we had to check this place out. So we got off the freeway at Exit 39.
I was expecting to see McDonalds with a Mobil gas station but instead, I saw "Obalende Suya" with a Total gas station in the corner.
They even had their orange gas cylinders arranged for people who wanted to buy cooking gas. I thought this was America? We approached the Obalende suya building and as we entered, a lady came out to greet us. She smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. She had hips that swayed with every bounce.
"What would you guys like to eat?" Gosh, she her Pepsodent smile came with close-up appeal, her teeth were shining and that little gap-tooth was sexy.
I love women with gap tooth, they are always created beautiful. The truth is I have never seen a woman with a gap tooth who is ugly. Period.
Yemi: Do you have eba?
Woman: We have everything, Eba, okro, fufu, pounded yam, jollof rice, Mbanaga soup, okporoko, gizzard and isi ewu for desert, in short, anything you want, we give you.
Yemi: I will have eba please.
Me: I want pounded yam with Okro soup, my sister, where are you from, cos your beauty seems to be heavenly ordained.
I was getting carried away by this woman and her smile was certainly captivating.
This was not one of those juju where I could have sworn that she hit my bum and I started following her everywhere but it certainly seemed like it. Neither did she blow any powder in my face that has started to mesmerize me.
Remember in Nigeria when people use to sweet-talk folks, maybe blow powder in their face and ask them to go and bring their mother's jewelry and their father's hard currency? Those days were hard sha.
Worse was the tale of the disappearing "thingi"!!! Guys were walking with their hands in their pockets, refusing to shake anyone's hand while the women would walk sometimes with their hands across their chest, refusing to hug anyone. Those were really suspicious times but anyway, this lady sure had me going hmmmm.
Girl: My name is Omari, I am from the Buguma area where the Niger meets the rivers of all rivers..
Me: Yemi, you sure say she no be mami water as she fine so?
Omari: I love your GM
Me: I am sorry, I don't drive General Motors vehicle, I drive a Toyota.
Omari: No foolish, that's not what I mean.
Me: Your fineness, pray , what do you mean?
Omari: I meant, I love your Glutus Maximus
Me: (Whispering to Yemi) Chei, Yemi, I never siddon, she don dey checkout my yansh
Me: Even me, I like as you rock your defenders as you move, you face just dey shine like oyinbo own. What perfume is that you are wearing?
Omari: Contradiction.
Me: I don't blame you, you are a contradiction to all the Nigerian women I have seen, special in your own way, well, make I no talk anymore, I don't want to...don't want.....
As I tried to continue, I started to choke on the appetizer, the bone from the fried fish was hooking me.
ME: Damn, I asked for tilapia fish, why is this fish somersaulting in my throat?
Yemi started banging my back as if he was trying to make the fish do a break dance in my throat. See the kind of friends I have?
Mamiwater, sorry, Omari came over and scolded him, started rubbing my back in an upward motion and I am not sure what happened in those two minutes, but the bone was suddenly gone.
She was feeding me the pounded yam and okro. Swallowing gari or gari substitutes was a remedy for fish bone giving you the choke hold.
Me: A beg, I know its winter but can you please put on the AC, as you are standing so close to me, I am feeling very hot.
Omari: Its too cold to put on the AC, I am sure you are one of those people who like to drive on the highway with the window all the way down.
ME: How do you know that? And don't tell me you saw me on TV...(as if..)
Anyway, look, I hear you cook a mean jollof rice with sweet potato and ribs, any chance I might get to sink my teeth into that after I am done with this poundo and okro?
Omari: How did you know that?
Me: Apart from the fact that you are famous? I hear all Buguma women cook like that. The only people that come close are the Sapele women. Its all in the water. Look at the whole country, everywhere that is near water has a soup that can make you bite your finger..Mbanga soup, edikaikong, even okro in the Calabar format can make you hmmm.
Do you know that Ofe Nsala started near Onitsha at the banks of River Niger. Compare that to Gbegiri soup that came from Kwara..See when the North produces excessive groundnut, they ship it to Kwara and those people grind it to make Gbegiri.
Yemi: How do you know all this?
Me: Ah, stay there, where were you when they were teaching nutritional geography in FGC? Let me break it down for you.
Me: Do you know why they call Ibo people, Nyamiri? They are always begging for water, why do you think they are all over Lagos? There is no running water in Lagos and they can sure live without it if they have to.
Look at all your Ibo friends when they eat, They can eat a sack of akpu with egusi soup and not a drop of water will go down with it. The rumour is that they even rubbed off on Bendel People as I have witnessed in some of my friends.
That's why Ibos are generally called "Aje okuta ma m'omi" which means we eat stones and still don't drink water. I don't think we rubbed off well on some Bendel people sha because my ex-roommate used to pass out on the couch after trying such patented experiments.
On the other leg, we have my Yoruba friends who will drown the little rice left in the pot in oil. Like we used to say in secondary school, if you dey cook Yoruba food and you never put oil, you never start be that.
I went to my friend's house on numerous occasions to eat (I only go when they are cooking anyway) and when dinner was served, I saw the chicken swimming in oil, trying to stay afloat, at least I knew it wasn't "anu 404" (dog meat) since dogs can swim in any liquid medium.
One time, I was eating pounded yam, and after rolling the poundo, it fell into the soup. For the next 10 minutes, I wasn't getting any sonar response, the black box on the plate couldn't reveal an inconsistent liquid level and after the NTSB (my host) invited divers (a fork), the debris was located and deposited in my stomach for further enzyme analysis.
Nowadays, I take an oil drill when I go to his house, at about $22 a barrel, I could still come out ahead of Bill Gates.
But have you noticed that you can tell where a person is from by how they fry plantain?
After conducting analysis at the Omoibo Institute of Technology, we discovered that Yoruba people will soak the plantain in oil and deep fry??? While Ibo people will use the tiniest bit of oil so they can have enough left over to run the generator!!!
Now to the land of dry air, chapped lips and bland food. This was where the art of making suya started.
Get a dog, bang it on the head and by 6pm, you are selling out on the corner of Angwar Sariki and General Market in Kaduna. Its hard to stay away from suya even if you know that Bingo disappeared a day before.
The only thing different we got in Kaduna was plenty of rice and Camel meat which at the time I thought tasted like chicken even though it was really really HARD!!!!
So you see, "I know my stuff."
Me: Anyway, beautiful one, we have to start running, we have a long day ahead of us at the Embassy.
Since it will be a long day, could you pack one plate of Mbanga Soup and pounded yam, some of that suya, extra spicy jollof rice with fried meat, gizzard as we've never seen it.
Yemi, do you want to add anything?
Yemi: Me I just want Eba.
Me: You never ask for much do you..Omari, thanks for hosting us, we enjoyed your smile, oh just for next time, there is a difference between dancing to sweet mother the African way and dancing to it as if it is Russian ballet and you are dancing to the Nut Cracker.
Keep the smile going, I will keep in touch after all, your rice leaves a lot to be remembered as well as your hands that managed to remove the bone from my neck.
We will try to pass by on our way back.
Please, on our way back, can you call all your friends that look like you and ask them to come for dinner, we wont mind meeting them.
Oya, yemi, make we dey go!!!!!!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
There's A Reason Why!!
Once a while in our lifetime, we go through ups and downs. When things are going well for us, if we remember, we thank our God and we never fail to blame the devil (real or imagined) for the bad times we go through. Events happen in our daily lives that make an impact on us in ways we might not know or understand. We meet people daily, make new friends, go to school, get a degree, get a job, drive to work, have lunch with friends, party till we drop, go to work late, get fired from work and start all over again. These events dont just happen. The person we meet today might hire us for a job tomorrow or we might even marry them. What you learn in a lecture today could stimulate a business idea that will make you tons of money in the future. On the flipside, the test you failed yesterday could spur you to study hard for tomorrow's examination. The car accident you saw on TV will make you a careful driver when next you are on the road, when you get kicked out of a grocery store for no reason, you begin to have a new perspective on racism. There is a lot to learn when life is speaking to us. When the results of my final examinations in Nigeria were released, they were quite appalling and I thought that was the begining of the end of an education for me. I thought entrance into a university was out of the question, at least for now. I cried a lot during that time and my mother kept trying to calm me down because she felt, there was a reason this was happening.
My secondary school education was at Federal Government College, Kaduna in Northern Nigeria. The system was such that we had to take about fourteen classses ranging from Introduction to technology, art, home economics to Social Studies and the three Nigerian Languages. After completing what we called the Junior Secondary School in three years, we had to sit for a nationwide examination to qualify to go ion to the Senior Secondary School that lasts for three years as well. Students who passed the JSS examination moved on while those who did not make it had to repeat a year and attempt the exam again the following year. In all, it still amazes me how we managed the 14 subjects we were constantly being tested on. At the Senior Secondary School level (SSS1-SSS3), the subjects were scaled back to nine. How the educational authorities came up with this magic number is unknown to me but I assumed we had to do the core subects - maths, english and at least two sciences and to give us a well rounded education a bunch of other subject. In any case, I ended up with Mathematics, English Language, English Literature, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Agricultural Science and Igbo, a Nigerian language. I had wanted to be an engineer since I was good at repairing and wrecking things around the house especially electrical equipments. I had also at a different time wanted to be an architect, I love houses, structures and I still have my idea of a dream house. After three years of SSS, we were required to take two major examinations in order to get into one of the Nigerian Universities. One of the exams was the Joint Admissions and Matriculations Board (JAMB) which is somewhat like the CPA examination for accountants in the sense that it consists of four individual exams which includes the use of English and three others depending on your intended major. The second examination was the SSCE which is much like the finals in colleges but harder since it tests what you have learnt in a particular subject for the past three years. Both were very important to every students future. If you made the requuired grade in both, you went on to one of the universities and if you failed one of the two, you technically shut the door on a university education for that year. Unlike the SAT or the GRE, these exams were only offered once a year. In any case, university admission was only once a year. In a simple sentence, I clonked the SSCE. At that point, I began to notice that everything about life was an abbreviation.
My mother always believed there was a reason for everything. She is a very special person so you have to believe it when she tells you that. After my results arrived at my house, there was a lot of tension at home. To say my dad was astounded is an understatement. My dad is someone many would call an academic. He expected a lot from his children and being the first, he probably hated the idea of this trend being emulated by my siblings. This is beside the fact that it seemed as if good money was being thrown away with nothing to show for it. Looking back now, good money was being wasted and since I now pay my own bills, it is easy to put myself in the mindset of a parent. My failure meant that more money was to be spent on and extra year of education on which money had previously being invested. It also meant that instead of being at the University where I could partially fend for myself, I was still at home where I was going to be fed full time and who knows probably eat into other people's ration. Everything meant more money and this investment was yielding no returns. My poor result meant that I could not get into a university for the 1991/1992 session. My results were mailed to me in Nairobi, Kenya where my father works for one of the international agencies and my mother made every effort to enrol me into a school so I could take my exams over again. Numerous visits to schools around the area yielded nothing. Many of them wanted to set me back by two-three years and I was not about to start high school all over again. I finally paid a visit to Nairobi Academy with my parents. It was one of the private schools in Nairobi and one of the good ones too. After a series of test and interviews, they agreed to accept me. A new chapter in my life had just begun.
I still had fears of what lay in my future. I was trying to erase the image of me as a baggage handler/tout at the bus station since these were the occupations my father said we might end up in if we did not study hard. I was back in school for the 1991/92 session and I had no social life whatsoever. All I could think about was University. To keep myself focused, I joined the track, soccer and volleyball team, the three areas I enjoy passionately. My books and my sports activities were all that kept body and soul together. The initial plan (or should I say my father's plan since I was not yet beyond my childhood fantasy plans) was to start my undergraduate career in one of the Nigerian Universities. By this time, the Career and Counseling Committee made up of my father, my dad and my male parent had decided that whatever happens, I was going to be an economics major. I had no choice, I could not be an engineer since I already flunked Physics and Chemistry in my SSCE; I was not sure what course a baker or a carpenter could study at the University level. If I had the choice, I could have gone pro but the question then is pro-what? In any case, who was I to argue, after all, the buck starts and stops in the same place, my father's pocket. The school year went along fine, I was concentrating with no distractions. I started excelling in the classroom and on the sports field. I won various awards for both my academic work and for track. I was almost made captain of my house had I not decided to leave the school later. The question of what University I might be headed to came up again as we were midway through the school year. The CCC still believed that a Nigerian University was the best place to get an undergraduate degree and only then should one seek an advanced degree outside the shores of the country. Well, a lot of events conspired in my favor. The most important but unfortunate event was the shut down of almost all the Nigerian universities because the academic staff was on strike protesting the non payment of their wages. That meant that the chances of going to a Nigerian university was becoming bleak. The other alternative was to go to a university in Kenya and I did not cherish the thought of that because by this time, I longed to be with my peers and frankly, I wanted to leave home and try new things.
I started my application process about February of 1992 for the fall of the same year. I applied to Michigan State University, University of Michigan and a host of Canadian universities that had closed their application process for that year. Somehow, the colorful brochure of Northeastern Univeristy in Boston caught my eye at one of the offices I visited in Nairobi and I got hooked. Was I guillible or what? How often do you go to a school because of the fine architecture without for a second thinking about all the other factors? Schools now play on the fact that students fall for colorful booklets. They take pictures of fine buildings and sometimes ugly ones from a good angle, print them, invite you to campus just as soon as they finish construction on a new classroom building. They make sure your whole visit to the school centers around that building and afterwards, they take you to the best cafeteria on campus to sample the food that has been specially prepared to entice you to the school. It was all about showboating and a lot of people always fell for that including me. Northeastern began to respond to my mail and at a point I had decided that that was where I was headed, provided of course that I was accepted and my father approved. After a couple of missing mails and request for more information, I finally got my admission letter on July 30, 1992. My mother came to me and said "I told you to be patient, there is a reason you could not get into school in Nigeria, a better opportunity has now arisen, make use of it" Actually, I already knew that, I am sure my dad was also happy but he hardly ever jumped for joy unless he got a visit from Jesus Christ. Inwardly, he was smiling but externally, his expression was telling you that he was no Chase Manhattan Bank.
My secondary school education was at Federal Government College, Kaduna in Northern Nigeria. The system was such that we had to take about fourteen classses ranging from Introduction to technology, art, home economics to Social Studies and the three Nigerian Languages. After completing what we called the Junior Secondary School in three years, we had to sit for a nationwide examination to qualify to go ion to the Senior Secondary School that lasts for three years as well. Students who passed the JSS examination moved on while those who did not make it had to repeat a year and attempt the exam again the following year. In all, it still amazes me how we managed the 14 subjects we were constantly being tested on. At the Senior Secondary School level (SSS1-SSS3), the subjects were scaled back to nine. How the educational authorities came up with this magic number is unknown to me but I assumed we had to do the core subects - maths, english and at least two sciences and to give us a well rounded education a bunch of other subject. In any case, I ended up with Mathematics, English Language, English Literature, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Agricultural Science and Igbo, a Nigerian language. I had wanted to be an engineer since I was good at repairing and wrecking things around the house especially electrical equipments. I had also at a different time wanted to be an architect, I love houses, structures and I still have my idea of a dream house. After three years of SSS, we were required to take two major examinations in order to get into one of the Nigerian Universities. One of the exams was the Joint Admissions and Matriculations Board (JAMB) which is somewhat like the CPA examination for accountants in the sense that it consists of four individual exams which includes the use of English and three others depending on your intended major. The second examination was the SSCE which is much like the finals in colleges but harder since it tests what you have learnt in a particular subject for the past three years. Both were very important to every students future. If you made the requuired grade in both, you went on to one of the universities and if you failed one of the two, you technically shut the door on a university education for that year. Unlike the SAT or the GRE, these exams were only offered once a year. In any case, university admission was only once a year. In a simple sentence, I clonked the SSCE. At that point, I began to notice that everything about life was an abbreviation.
My mother always believed there was a reason for everything. She is a very special person so you have to believe it when she tells you that. After my results arrived at my house, there was a lot of tension at home. To say my dad was astounded is an understatement. My dad is someone many would call an academic. He expected a lot from his children and being the first, he probably hated the idea of this trend being emulated by my siblings. This is beside the fact that it seemed as if good money was being thrown away with nothing to show for it. Looking back now, good money was being wasted and since I now pay my own bills, it is easy to put myself in the mindset of a parent. My failure meant that more money was to be spent on and extra year of education on which money had previously being invested. It also meant that instead of being at the University where I could partially fend for myself, I was still at home where I was going to be fed full time and who knows probably eat into other people's ration. Everything meant more money and this investment was yielding no returns. My poor result meant that I could not get into a university for the 1991/1992 session. My results were mailed to me in Nairobi, Kenya where my father works for one of the international agencies and my mother made every effort to enrol me into a school so I could take my exams over again. Numerous visits to schools around the area yielded nothing. Many of them wanted to set me back by two-three years and I was not about to start high school all over again. I finally paid a visit to Nairobi Academy with my parents. It was one of the private schools in Nairobi and one of the good ones too. After a series of test and interviews, they agreed to accept me. A new chapter in my life had just begun.
I still had fears of what lay in my future. I was trying to erase the image of me as a baggage handler/tout at the bus station since these were the occupations my father said we might end up in if we did not study hard. I was back in school for the 1991/92 session and I had no social life whatsoever. All I could think about was University. To keep myself focused, I joined the track, soccer and volleyball team, the three areas I enjoy passionately. My books and my sports activities were all that kept body and soul together. The initial plan (or should I say my father's plan since I was not yet beyond my childhood fantasy plans) was to start my undergraduate career in one of the Nigerian Universities. By this time, the Career and Counseling Committee made up of my father, my dad and my male parent had decided that whatever happens, I was going to be an economics major. I had no choice, I could not be an engineer since I already flunked Physics and Chemistry in my SSCE; I was not sure what course a baker or a carpenter could study at the University level. If I had the choice, I could have gone pro but the question then is pro-what? In any case, who was I to argue, after all, the buck starts and stops in the same place, my father's pocket. The school year went along fine, I was concentrating with no distractions. I started excelling in the classroom and on the sports field. I won various awards for both my academic work and for track. I was almost made captain of my house had I not decided to leave the school later. The question of what University I might be headed to came up again as we were midway through the school year. The CCC still believed that a Nigerian University was the best place to get an undergraduate degree and only then should one seek an advanced degree outside the shores of the country. Well, a lot of events conspired in my favor. The most important but unfortunate event was the shut down of almost all the Nigerian universities because the academic staff was on strike protesting the non payment of their wages. That meant that the chances of going to a Nigerian university was becoming bleak. The other alternative was to go to a university in Kenya and I did not cherish the thought of that because by this time, I longed to be with my peers and frankly, I wanted to leave home and try new things.
I started my application process about February of 1992 for the fall of the same year. I applied to Michigan State University, University of Michigan and a host of Canadian universities that had closed their application process for that year. Somehow, the colorful brochure of Northeastern Univeristy in Boston caught my eye at one of the offices I visited in Nairobi and I got hooked. Was I guillible or what? How often do you go to a school because of the fine architecture without for a second thinking about all the other factors? Schools now play on the fact that students fall for colorful booklets. They take pictures of fine buildings and sometimes ugly ones from a good angle, print them, invite you to campus just as soon as they finish construction on a new classroom building. They make sure your whole visit to the school centers around that building and afterwards, they take you to the best cafeteria on campus to sample the food that has been specially prepared to entice you to the school. It was all about showboating and a lot of people always fell for that including me. Northeastern began to respond to my mail and at a point I had decided that that was where I was headed, provided of course that I was accepted and my father approved. After a couple of missing mails and request for more information, I finally got my admission letter on July 30, 1992. My mother came to me and said "I told you to be patient, there is a reason you could not get into school in Nigeria, a better opportunity has now arisen, make use of it" Actually, I already knew that, I am sure my dad was also happy but he hardly ever jumped for joy unless he got a visit from Jesus Christ. Inwardly, he was smiling but externally, his expression was telling you that he was no Chase Manhattan Bank.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
There's A Party Over There
There's A Party Over There
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I don't blame my favorite comedian (Tragedy) of one BET show who said he would let a friend drink and drive as long as he was not in the car. Unfortunately, he did not mention anything about sleeping and driving.
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It was the weekend after July 4. Simi Sanni (I think everyone knows her) was throwing a party that was billed as the party of the summer. Some called it "the summer jam", others called it " the New York party" while the rest called it "a QC party" (Mind you Simi is an alumni of Queens College (QC), Lagos. Days before the party, people would call her up and ask
"Ah, Simi, I heard you are throwing a QC/KC/FGC/FGGC reunion and everyone that is anyone will be there"
"Who said? Who are these people coming? Who is telling them about my party???"
"Aha now!! Simi you know you are famous now!!!"
"what are you saying, I don't want all these strangers at my party!"
"I don't know about these people, but them people will plenty there"
"shey you are coming?"
"Yeah, we will probably be coming in a van with them people"
"alright, talk to you later"
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A bunch of us were to go from Boston. Tayo was to rent a van and the rest were to bring themselves. The plan was going well until a little skirmish occured. You see, the summer gives people a lot more free time and I think some of them were suffering from "hot flashes." To cut the short story shorter, I pulled the plug on the NY trip. Why???? "What do you mean why", I was furious. Them people were pissing me off. In the end, it turned out they were all trifling. I couldn't be bothered to mention names here (for fear of being sued? I think not) so I will skip to the next part. Anyway, we gloated and gloated until Simi called me.
"What do you mean you are no longer coming to my party" Simi interrogated
"Them people......" I was trying to give my excuse but Simi was relentless.
"Them people what?? Please don't give me that excuse, is it me or them people that invited you to the party. Forget about them o jere"
"Alright, we will leave on Saturday morning"
"You give me directions"
"Do you know New York"
"who is he?? Just kidding, no, but I can find my way sha"
"When you get to NY, head to Uptown Manhattan, between 170st and 171st, you should look for Haven Ave."
"How do I know I am in uptown vs downtown. In Boston, the road slopes downwards downtown so should I look for a climbing road??"
"If the numbers are decreasing, you are going south and if they are increasing, you are going North"
"Actually, don't worry, I will call AAA for proper directions
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It was Tayo, Funke, M&M and Dalu with me at the at the wheel. We arrived New York and with a combination of Simi's directions and Tayo's flair for New York City, we found the Venue of the party. I had forgotten to call AAA. We got to the apartment sha and boy was Simi frowning because them people were suppose to shop and cook for her. They were nowhere to be found. Simi was not in the mood at all. Anyway, we all sat down, admired the view of the hudson river from the window and watched the fish in the aquarium float. I think one of the fish looked like Funke. After a while, Simi was still not in a good mood and I tried to cheer her up."Haba, you will soon be having guests, you have to look better than a xmas goat ke!!"I think that cheered her up and in any case since there was nothing to do then, we stored our stuff in the room and headed for Queens to see Tayo's aunt. In Queens, we ate so much, Dalu and M&M slept off. The food was that good, both in Quality and in Quantity.
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(Lyrics) I thought I told you that we won't stop, I thought I told you that we won't stop , I thought I told you that we won't stop, I thought I told you that we won't stop hehe hehe...Oh I need to know, where we stand.....
That was the music jamming when we finally came in from Brooklyn where we had gone after Queens. It was so hot in there, even the fish were feeling hot in their aquarium. There were more girls than guys and I am sure some of the ladies that were jonesing were laying their curses one by one on Simi. Some of them were not dancing and they looked like Chickens trying to lay eggs because they sat by the window so long. If you ask me, it was a plot to suffocate those who were dancing by blocking air flow into the room. The places was crowded and the oxygen level was going real fast. We had to go downstairs once in a while to breathe in the New York air which wasn't any better. I have to give Simi props on behalf of someone who told me they underestimated Simi and did not realize she could draw such a crowd.
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The party ended at 4a.m. Of course the NYPD was in attendance. Anyway, Tayo and Dalu wanted out, they wanted to start heading to Boston especially since someone suggested we wait and arrange some furniture. I don't think so!!!
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"Dozie, shey you can drive?" Tayo asked
" Sure, since you guys don't want to go to Dayo's place to crash, we can head home"
"Well, wake me up if you need help"
Tayo, Funke and M&M fell asleep as soon as we took off. They did not even notice
that I got lost before I found my way out of New York.
Exit NY
Enter Connecticut.
"Dozie, Dozie, Dozie!!!!!!!!" That phrase will forever be in my mind whenever I drive long distance and I doubt the others will forget it either. It was Funke shouting. Thank God we were not in my house, someone outside would have thought otherwise. We had almost gone off the road.
"Dozie, take it easy, step on the brakes" I heard another voice in the back shout. Now At this point, you have to imagine James Bond in one of his movies spinning the car and if you can't, take your mind back to secondary school when guys use to bring cars to school and spin the car 360 degrees. Well ours was better. We did a 540 degree turn, ended up with a burst tire after slamming into the barrier. If you ask me, Tayo could work at the Secret Service protecting the President. As soon as that car slammed the barrier, the next thing I heard was
"Every body, gerrout!!It might explode (insert Mission Impossible Theme song)
We used the cell phone to call 911. 911 was busy. The second time we tried, we got through. They CT State Police came in 2mins and guess what????After checking our Ids, the guy gave us a $78 ticket for facing the wrong direction on the highway. At least he drove us to the train station, our car was no longer drivable.
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We got to Boston in a daze. The Bonanza bus we caught in Providence pulled into South Station. we were happy that at least we had eight lives left. God said it wasn't time yet. I realize life is short.Enjoy it while you can and Don't let friends sleep and drive. We heard some people got kicked out of Simi's apartment in New York for reasons best known to Simi and them people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't blame my favorite comedian (Tragedy) of one BET show who said he would let a friend drink and drive as long as he was not in the car. Unfortunately, he did not mention anything about sleeping and driving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the weekend after July 4. Simi Sanni (I think everyone knows her) was throwing a party that was billed as the party of the summer. Some called it "the summer jam", others called it " the New York party" while the rest called it "a QC party" (Mind you Simi is an alumni of Queens College (QC), Lagos. Days before the party, people would call her up and ask
"Ah, Simi, I heard you are throwing a QC/KC/FGC/FGGC reunion and everyone that is anyone will be there"
"Who said? Who are these people coming? Who is telling them about my party???"
"Aha now!! Simi you know you are famous now!!!"
"what are you saying, I don't want all these strangers at my party!"
"I don't know about these people, but them people will plenty there"
"shey you are coming?"
"Yeah, we will probably be coming in a van with them people"
"alright, talk to you later"
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A bunch of us were to go from Boston. Tayo was to rent a van and the rest were to bring themselves. The plan was going well until a little skirmish occured. You see, the summer gives people a lot more free time and I think some of them were suffering from "hot flashes." To cut the short story shorter, I pulled the plug on the NY trip. Why???? "What do you mean why", I was furious. Them people were pissing me off. In the end, it turned out they were all trifling. I couldn't be bothered to mention names here (for fear of being sued? I think not) so I will skip to the next part. Anyway, we gloated and gloated until Simi called me.
"What do you mean you are no longer coming to my party" Simi interrogated
"Them people......" I was trying to give my excuse but Simi was relentless.
"Them people what?? Please don't give me that excuse, is it me or them people that invited you to the party. Forget about them o jere"
"Alright, we will leave on Saturday morning"
"You give me directions"
"Do you know New York"
"who is he?? Just kidding, no, but I can find my way sha"
"When you get to NY, head to Uptown Manhattan, between 170st and 171st, you should look for Haven Ave."
"How do I know I am in uptown vs downtown. In Boston, the road slopes downwards downtown so should I look for a climbing road??"
"If the numbers are decreasing, you are going south and if they are increasing, you are going North"
"Actually, don't worry, I will call AAA for proper directions
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It was Tayo, Funke, M&M and Dalu with me at the at the wheel. We arrived New York and with a combination of Simi's directions and Tayo's flair for New York City, we found the Venue of the party. I had forgotten to call AAA. We got to the apartment sha and boy was Simi frowning because them people were suppose to shop and cook for her. They were nowhere to be found. Simi was not in the mood at all. Anyway, we all sat down, admired the view of the hudson river from the window and watched the fish in the aquarium float. I think one of the fish looked like Funke. After a while, Simi was still not in a good mood and I tried to cheer her up."Haba, you will soon be having guests, you have to look better than a xmas goat ke!!"I think that cheered her up and in any case since there was nothing to do then, we stored our stuff in the room and headed for Queens to see Tayo's aunt. In Queens, we ate so much, Dalu and M&M slept off. The food was that good, both in Quality and in Quantity.
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(Lyrics) I thought I told you that we won't stop, I thought I told you that we won't stop , I thought I told you that we won't stop, I thought I told you that we won't stop hehe hehe...Oh I need to know, where we stand.....
That was the music jamming when we finally came in from Brooklyn where we had gone after Queens. It was so hot in there, even the fish were feeling hot in their aquarium. There were more girls than guys and I am sure some of the ladies that were jonesing were laying their curses one by one on Simi. Some of them were not dancing and they looked like Chickens trying to lay eggs because they sat by the window so long. If you ask me, it was a plot to suffocate those who were dancing by blocking air flow into the room. The places was crowded and the oxygen level was going real fast. We had to go downstairs once in a while to breathe in the New York air which wasn't any better. I have to give Simi props on behalf of someone who told me they underestimated Simi and did not realize she could draw such a crowd.
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The party ended at 4a.m. Of course the NYPD was in attendance. Anyway, Tayo and Dalu wanted out, they wanted to start heading to Boston especially since someone suggested we wait and arrange some furniture. I don't think so!!!
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"Dozie, shey you can drive?" Tayo asked
" Sure, since you guys don't want to go to Dayo's place to crash, we can head home"
"Well, wake me up if you need help"
Tayo, Funke and M&M fell asleep as soon as we took off. They did not even notice
that I got lost before I found my way out of New York.
Exit NY
Enter Connecticut.
"Dozie, Dozie, Dozie!!!!!!!!" That phrase will forever be in my mind whenever I drive long distance and I doubt the others will forget it either. It was Funke shouting. Thank God we were not in my house, someone outside would have thought otherwise. We had almost gone off the road.
"Dozie, take it easy, step on the brakes" I heard another voice in the back shout. Now At this point, you have to imagine James Bond in one of his movies spinning the car and if you can't, take your mind back to secondary school when guys use to bring cars to school and spin the car 360 degrees. Well ours was better. We did a 540 degree turn, ended up with a burst tire after slamming into the barrier. If you ask me, Tayo could work at the Secret Service protecting the President. As soon as that car slammed the barrier, the next thing I heard was
"Every body, gerrout!!It might explode (insert Mission Impossible Theme song)
We used the cell phone to call 911. 911 was busy. The second time we tried, we got through. They CT State Police came in 2mins and guess what????After checking our Ids, the guy gave us a $78 ticket for facing the wrong direction on the highway. At least he drove us to the train station, our car was no longer drivable.
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We got to Boston in a daze. The Bonanza bus we caught in Providence pulled into South Station. we were happy that at least we had eight lives left. God said it wasn't time yet. I realize life is short.Enjoy it while you can and Don't let friends sleep and drive. We heard some people got kicked out of Simi's apartment in New York for reasons best known to Simi and them people.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Fast Chick Factor
BRING SOMETHING WHEN YOU ARE COMING
My roommate just picked up the ringing pone. It was Dr. Darkberi on the line. She was kind enough to invite us to her abode for a get-together., as our fridge was kinda empty and we were about to headover to Hong Kong in Harvard Square. The way we figured it, we knew there was a 80-20 chance of meeting hour-glass figures at Dr. Darkberi's place, so we went. We stopped by star market to buy drinks as she requested. We had done our part. Everybody brought something, wine, chips, doritos, ice cream and beer as they trooped in. So why did my humble friend (F. Smooth) bring BREAD to the party???? I am still trying to figure that out. He did not even bring butter to make the passage of the bread down my throat easier.
FAST CHICK FACTOR
I didn't know much about this till I got on the Esteemed Boston Talk show "Dr. Darkberi Talk Hour" It's a very informational talk show unlike the trash you see on TV these days and there, you can afford to be honest. Participants are not paid even though food is provided (beaucoup plenty). Anyway, Dr. Darkberi is a Boston based pharmacist who sometimes moonlights as a "love doctor" cum "picnic organizer. But I digress. The Dr. bought up an interesting theory, which is applicable to the real world of women. The FCF theory - the Fast Chick Factor. According to her, the FCF is a pollutant in today's dating scene. A woman could be "talking" to a guy, taking her time to know him, maybe also thinking she's got it going good, maybe also giving the guy a hard time (as society warrants). All of a sudden, like an Amtrak train squashing a squirrel, the woman is hit with the FCF. There's another chick in town and she's got "your man" [mind you, the "talking" part went fast for this chick]. Now that's the Fast Chick Factor for you.
Dr. Darkberi is not encouraging you to rush into relationships but she thinks it is fair warning to the slow ones or those who take their time so they know what they are up against. Different people were present at the talkshow, we had your truly,
- a psychologist/business strategist from Harvard whose role was to lecture us on the different strategies for eliminating the Fast Chick Factor
- another love doctor/Banker from the Nevada Love Nest who is an expert in assessing returns on love.
- a computer expert from the South End Inc was there to tell us how email plays a bigger role in fostering the FCF),
- an FBI agent from Mission Park Agency (somewhat like Agent Maulder and Agent Scully) who was there to investigate the sightings of the Fast Chicks.
- and finally, a World Bank Representative to tell us how to apportion our love and at the same time introduce some Love Adjustment Programs.
THE USHER FACTOR
On a different segment of the same talk show, the Usher effect was introduced. The way I understand it, a couple could be having a quarrel and the guy now goes to another woman to complain and to seek solace. Unfortunately, this is where the Usher effect creeps in. Now you all have heard the song by one small rich boy that goes somewhat like this
".you make me want to leave the one am with and be in a relationship with you."
Take Tony and Stella for example, they have a quarrel and Stella refuses to talk to Tony for a few days. Tony has no choice now but goes to Rose for "advice" In the process of complaining about Stella and getting advice, Tony starts to see something good about Rose, something he had never seen before, something he had never felt before. I know, I know, I know you feel a Dij` vu. Now after dispensing advice (negative or positive who knows) Rose starts to think, well, if their relationship was that strong, he won't be here anyway, so what the h - - l. At the same time, Tony is singing a popular reggae song in his head,
"Girl, you look so fine, you-make my body tremble all the time."
Before you know, the Usher effect has fully kicked in, Tony and Rose become a couple, Stella smashes her "Usher" CD and starts to listen to "someone is sleeping in my bed", while Rose is careful not to quarrel with Tony. The Editor would like to add that, if you've got a problem, talk it out, don't let an old problem follow you to a new day. Cheap Love Therapy sessions are offered by the love doctor from the Nevada Love Nest. He only charges $25 per session - for real!!!
My roommate just picked up the ringing pone. It was Dr. Darkberi on the line. She was kind enough to invite us to her abode for a get-together., as our fridge was kinda empty and we were about to headover to Hong Kong in Harvard Square. The way we figured it, we knew there was a 80-20 chance of meeting hour-glass figures at Dr. Darkberi's place, so we went. We stopped by star market to buy drinks as she requested. We had done our part. Everybody brought something, wine, chips, doritos, ice cream and beer as they trooped in. So why did my humble friend (F. Smooth) bring BREAD to the party???? I am still trying to figure that out. He did not even bring butter to make the passage of the bread down my throat easier.
FAST CHICK FACTOR
I didn't know much about this till I got on the Esteemed Boston Talk show "Dr. Darkberi Talk Hour" It's a very informational talk show unlike the trash you see on TV these days and there, you can afford to be honest. Participants are not paid even though food is provided (beaucoup plenty). Anyway, Dr. Darkberi is a Boston based pharmacist who sometimes moonlights as a "love doctor" cum "picnic organizer. But I digress. The Dr. bought up an interesting theory, which is applicable to the real world of women. The FCF theory - the Fast Chick Factor. According to her, the FCF is a pollutant in today's dating scene. A woman could be "talking" to a guy, taking her time to know him, maybe also thinking she's got it going good, maybe also giving the guy a hard time (as society warrants). All of a sudden, like an Amtrak train squashing a squirrel, the woman is hit with the FCF. There's another chick in town and she's got "your man" [mind you, the "talking" part went fast for this chick]. Now that's the Fast Chick Factor for you.
Dr. Darkberi is not encouraging you to rush into relationships but she thinks it is fair warning to the slow ones or those who take their time so they know what they are up against. Different people were present at the talkshow, we had your truly,
- a psychologist/business strategist from Harvard whose role was to lecture us on the different strategies for eliminating the Fast Chick Factor
- another love doctor/Banker from the Nevada Love Nest who is an expert in assessing returns on love.
- a computer expert from the South End Inc was there to tell us how email plays a bigger role in fostering the FCF),
- an FBI agent from Mission Park Agency (somewhat like Agent Maulder and Agent Scully) who was there to investigate the sightings of the Fast Chicks.
- and finally, a World Bank Representative to tell us how to apportion our love and at the same time introduce some Love Adjustment Programs.
THE USHER FACTOR
On a different segment of the same talk show, the Usher effect was introduced. The way I understand it, a couple could be having a quarrel and the guy now goes to another woman to complain and to seek solace. Unfortunately, this is where the Usher effect creeps in. Now you all have heard the song by one small rich boy that goes somewhat like this
".you make me want to leave the one am with and be in a relationship with you."
Take Tony and Stella for example, they have a quarrel and Stella refuses to talk to Tony for a few days. Tony has no choice now but goes to Rose for "advice" In the process of complaining about Stella and getting advice, Tony starts to see something good about Rose, something he had never seen before, something he had never felt before. I know, I know, I know you feel a Dij` vu. Now after dispensing advice (negative or positive who knows) Rose starts to think, well, if their relationship was that strong, he won't be here anyway, so what the h - - l. At the same time, Tony is singing a popular reggae song in his head,
"Girl, you look so fine, you-make my body tremble all the time."
Before you know, the Usher effect has fully kicked in, Tony and Rose become a couple, Stella smashes her "Usher" CD and starts to listen to "someone is sleeping in my bed", while Rose is careful not to quarrel with Tony. The Editor would like to add that, if you've got a problem, talk it out, don't let an old problem follow you to a new day. Cheap Love Therapy sessions are offered by the love doctor from the Nevada Love Nest. He only charges $25 per session - for real!!!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
LETTERS FROM THE FATHER-LAND
Dear Songri,
How are you?, How is your Doxology? I hope you are swimming in the ocean of health. How are all the women over there? I hear they are in plentitude, specifically the American women and they are fiiiiinnnnee. Karibi received your letter and in it you said you were interested in one American girl? Ishi black or ishi white? You know that if you marry Akata woman, papa go Skata you. You marry oyibo and he will totally finish you. Anyway, as your brother, I can only say be careful, you're my boy so I understand. I kind of hinted mama about what you said. She said the important thing is for you to marry for love. Anytime she tries to talk to papa, he says he is open-minded but he wants you to come home and marry. Papa actually thinks that you will marry the pastor's daughter when you come back. He is so naove (that's the word you taught me right?). He doesn't know what Eghosa has being doing with all the boys and men in this town, but mama knows. He may be open-minded but mama is broad-minded. Anyway, I will gist you when you come back.
Anyway, the MAIN purpose of this missive is to forward papa's message to you about his mode of transportation which for which I am not provided a key. He says his Daewoo Racer is giving the following problems and he is tired of paying Ikeregbe (Remember the mechanic) to repair them. The booth cannot open with the key, we have to bang it three times before it will open The gear box is not good because he stops too many times in the go slow. Nowadays, the car can only move in reverse. The other day, he almost hit bom-boy while reversing. The right trafficator in the car is no longer working, papa was almost in an accident because of that, so these days, he only makes left turns. So therefore, even though papa said to ask you for money to repair all of these things, I think it will be better if you ship a new car when you are coming this december. At least that way, we have two trafficators and we wont keep going left till we reach Mile 2 or Festac. Oh yeah, make sure it is Automatic - you don't want to send bom-boy's to the hospital. If you can put a remote control booth, that will be excellent. It is difficult to carry a bag or rice, put it down, bang on the booth three times and then carry the bag of rice up again. Please, my back is killing me these days and you don't want to send me to the hospital. And don't forget to add money for fuel or petrol whatever you call it.
By the way, mama said to thank you for all the pails you bought the last time. If you had not bought any pail in this house, we wouldn't be able to fetch water from Mama Alago's house. Sorry I keep forgetting that you Americanas like to call everything differently, I am talking about the buckets in case you have forgotten what we call it here.
Yours in Brotherhood
Oghenechukwu
How are you?, How is your Doxology? I hope you are swimming in the ocean of health. How are all the women over there? I hear they are in plentitude, specifically the American women and they are fiiiiinnnnee. Karibi received your letter and in it you said you were interested in one American girl? Ishi black or ishi white? You know that if you marry Akata woman, papa go Skata you. You marry oyibo and he will totally finish you. Anyway, as your brother, I can only say be careful, you're my boy so I understand. I kind of hinted mama about what you said. She said the important thing is for you to marry for love. Anytime she tries to talk to papa, he says he is open-minded but he wants you to come home and marry. Papa actually thinks that you will marry the pastor's daughter when you come back. He is so naove (that's the word you taught me right?). He doesn't know what Eghosa has being doing with all the boys and men in this town, but mama knows. He may be open-minded but mama is broad-minded. Anyway, I will gist you when you come back.
Anyway, the MAIN purpose of this missive is to forward papa's message to you about his mode of transportation which for which I am not provided a key. He says his Daewoo Racer is giving the following problems and he is tired of paying Ikeregbe (Remember the mechanic) to repair them. The booth cannot open with the key, we have to bang it three times before it will open The gear box is not good because he stops too many times in the go slow. Nowadays, the car can only move in reverse. The other day, he almost hit bom-boy while reversing. The right trafficator in the car is no longer working, papa was almost in an accident because of that, so these days, he only makes left turns. So therefore, even though papa said to ask you for money to repair all of these things, I think it will be better if you ship a new car when you are coming this december. At least that way, we have two trafficators and we wont keep going left till we reach Mile 2 or Festac. Oh yeah, make sure it is Automatic - you don't want to send bom-boy's to the hospital. If you can put a remote control booth, that will be excellent. It is difficult to carry a bag or rice, put it down, bang on the booth three times and then carry the bag of rice up again. Please, my back is killing me these days and you don't want to send me to the hospital. And don't forget to add money for fuel or petrol whatever you call it.
By the way, mama said to thank you for all the pails you bought the last time. If you had not bought any pail in this house, we wouldn't be able to fetch water from Mama Alago's house. Sorry I keep forgetting that you Americanas like to call everything differently, I am talking about the buckets in case you have forgotten what we call it here.
Yours in Brotherhood
Oghenechukwu
Monday, February 19, 2007
My Ex-
My Ex.
My ex-landlord is really trifling. She has refused to refund my deposit since I moved out months ago. Something about the cleaning they did after I moved. I have to say its not my fault that Mother nature decided to punish us in Boston and pour almost 5 feet of rain into the apartment. I cleaned as humanly possible. So now they have refused to give me my deposit. I have been to the office twice, called them numerous times but they refuse to respond to me. I am a broke graduate student and I am getting desperate. Can the lawyers among you help me out here, I actually had an idea. I though of going to Kmart, buy a gun with my credit card, go to the real estate office, Scream "show me the money", collect my deposit and return the gun to Kmart and have my credit card credited. What do you think.
IT'S A CONSPIRACY.
I know you must think, "here he comes again" but I have to tell you, this time it is true. I am here to tell you that there is conspiracy between Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and the church. Why else do you think Charlie goes to church every first Sunday of the month? It's the wine. What business does the church have serving wine every first Sunday of the month. At this point, I am surprised that Charlie has not discovered that catholic church in Cambridge that serves wine EVERY Sunday. Comon, why cant they serve orange juice and why bread? Did christ not say "Man shall not live by bread alone?" I say we get pancakes instead.
The church makes addict of people, sends them to AA where the addict has to pay to be in the 12 step program. A percentage of that fee goes back to the church. Every body benefits, the addict, the church and AA. No wonder Charlie loves to sing gospel this days. Remember that song "Every step I take." Well her is Charlie's version.
"Every step I take
Is for Jesus
Every Step I take
Give me more wine.
I WENT TO HARVARD
Sure you went to harvard but we don't have hear it especially at the bus stop where nobody cares. This dude is busy toasting a lady at the bus stop, telling her he was in consulting and he was going to see his next client. I personally thought that was odd that he be at the bus stop. I think highly of consultants and bus stops are the last place I expect to see them Anyway, home boy was busy laying his raps until he let it slip that his PhD degree from Harvard was actually a Public High-School Diploma from Harvard High School. Be wary of so called Ivy leaguers, you just might meet someone with a B.Ae (Breaking And entering) from Yale (Jail?).
Its All Good
My roommate and were discussing schools lat week when he let it be known that he was gunning to go to Harvard Law School. "You want to get a PhD from Harvard too" I asked. He said I didn't understand, To him, Harvard is like the Gucci of schools, (the quality makes it so) the Tommy Hillfiger of institutions (everybody wants it but can't afford it, the Tyra Banks of Education (uses everybody, takes their application fee and dumps them). He went on. He said it was like Toni Braxton, (everybody wants to get in but only a very few can) the Mobutu of countries (so much money and nothing nothing for the community). He even made a comment or two about the students there, that they were like Elizabeth Taylor - ( nothing about them is real) and like Rupaul (what you see is NOT what you get). Haba rommie, chill and you still want to go to Harvard Law School????? We decided to examine the two schools in the real Harvard that he was interested in and what they stand for and could only come up with: -
HBS - Homies Bull Shiting
My ex-landlord is really trifling. She has refused to refund my deposit since I moved out months ago. Something about the cleaning they did after I moved. I have to say its not my fault that Mother nature decided to punish us in Boston and pour almost 5 feet of rain into the apartment. I cleaned as humanly possible. So now they have refused to give me my deposit. I have been to the office twice, called them numerous times but they refuse to respond to me. I am a broke graduate student and I am getting desperate. Can the lawyers among you help me out here, I actually had an idea. I though of going to Kmart, buy a gun with my credit card, go to the real estate office, Scream "show me the money", collect my deposit and return the gun to Kmart and have my credit card credited. What do you think.
IT'S A CONSPIRACY.
I know you must think, "here he comes again" but I have to tell you, this time it is true. I am here to tell you that there is conspiracy between Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and the church. Why else do you think Charlie goes to church every first Sunday of the month? It's the wine. What business does the church have serving wine every first Sunday of the month. At this point, I am surprised that Charlie has not discovered that catholic church in Cambridge that serves wine EVERY Sunday. Comon, why cant they serve orange juice and why bread? Did christ not say "Man shall not live by bread alone?" I say we get pancakes instead.
The church makes addict of people, sends them to AA where the addict has to pay to be in the 12 step program. A percentage of that fee goes back to the church. Every body benefits, the addict, the church and AA. No wonder Charlie loves to sing gospel this days. Remember that song "Every step I take." Well her is Charlie's version.
"Every step I take
Is for Jesus
Every Step I take
Give me more wine.
I WENT TO HARVARD
Sure you went to harvard but we don't have hear it especially at the bus stop where nobody cares. This dude is busy toasting a lady at the bus stop, telling her he was in consulting and he was going to see his next client. I personally thought that was odd that he be at the bus stop. I think highly of consultants and bus stops are the last place I expect to see them Anyway, home boy was busy laying his raps until he let it slip that his PhD degree from Harvard was actually a Public High-School Diploma from Harvard High School. Be wary of so called Ivy leaguers, you just might meet someone with a B.Ae (Breaking And entering) from Yale (Jail?).
Its All Good
My roommate and were discussing schools lat week when he let it be known that he was gunning to go to Harvard Law School. "You want to get a PhD from Harvard too" I asked. He said I didn't understand, To him, Harvard is like the Gucci of schools, (the quality makes it so) the Tommy Hillfiger of institutions (everybody wants it but can't afford it, the Tyra Banks of Education (uses everybody, takes their application fee and dumps them). He went on. He said it was like Toni Braxton, (everybody wants to get in but only a very few can) the Mobutu of countries (so much money and nothing nothing for the community). He even made a comment or two about the students there, that they were like Elizabeth Taylor - ( nothing about them is real) and like Rupaul (what you see is NOT what you get). Haba rommie, chill and you still want to go to Harvard Law School????? We decided to examine the two schools in the real Harvard that he was interested in and what they stand for and could only come up with: -
HBS - Homies Bull Shiting
Sunday, February 18, 2007
LASGIDI BY FORCE
LASGIDI BY FORCE
It's now trendy to deny being Nigerian and I don't blame you though. Jobs are not easy to come by without having to deny your identity. Many of us have to fill employment forms, admission forms and all manners of forms, how do you deal with that, because one way or the other, you can be exposed as a Nigerian. But as my high school computer teacher always said, there is a difference between telling a lie and not telling the truth. So I brought in a nationality expert to give you the readers some advice.
Editor: So Chief Ojukwu, what would you like to tell my readers today?
Chief Ojukwu: Well, I am happy you have invited me to your office today.
Editor: By the way, you are Nigerian right?
Chief Ojukwu: Nooo, I know that's what Bianca told you in the back office but I have to set the records straight. The man Lord Lugard, messed up things in that country between Benin and Cameroon. First of all, I have to say that calling him Lord is blasphemy enough as it is. He came to that great country and allowed his wife to pick a name out of the hat and right now, that name has been bastardized so I refuse to recognize it.
Editor: So what do you propose that Nigerians do as well as you?
Chief Ojukwu: Please don't say the N word again, its heart breaking. Anyway, I consider myself a Biafran, my friend Gani the Lawyer considers himself a Lagosian from the Republic of Lagos, even Ibrahim Dan Kabo now says he is from the Sokoto Empire. So therefore, nobody uses the N word anymore.
Editor: So are you proposing the breakup of that country?
Chief: Not a chance.I am merely repudiating the use of the N word to describe the most complex collection of individuals to live on this side of the Atlantic. At the same time, I am promoting the mutual coexistence of the different nations in this area around the Niger river.
Editor: Is this not a sign of more trouble to come, the last we heard in our newsroom, the Abakiliki empire was being formed by a group of traders and manufacturers from Aba, Abakiliki and Awka and they intend to break away from Biafra which you obviously intend to head.
Chief: Let me just remind you that I am Biafran, Gani is Lagosian and Ibrahim is from the Sokoto Empire, Chikena, O kpari, O gwucha.
Editor: Chief, thank you for stopping by and extend my wishes to Bianca and the babies.
Chief: you are welcome.
1st Annual Boarding School Reunion
The board of trustees of Boarding School Inc, wish to announce that the 1st Annual Boarding school Reunion to be held in FGC Ijanikin. Events include
- "filling a bucket with water using a teaspoon",
- Beans eating contest accompanied by swollen ijebu garri, sugar and groundnut
- "One boy last to come contest"
- The chance to beat that senior that bullied you contest
- Skipping school without an exeat contest
- Exorcising Ex-Students of the following school of their Ajebutterness
- Hillcrest, Jos
- International School, Lagos
- A-Hall, Lagos
1989
People riot when they are angry. People are angry when they are hungry. Does that follow that rioters are hungry people. 1989 was the year of riots in Nigerian schools and FGCK was not to be left out. If there was to be a riot, I would advocate rightly that it start in the kitchen which it did but boys then had different priorities. Musa stole a bale of fish from the kitchen freezer!!!!Granted it was fresh fish, but there was no time to fry or cook the darn thing. His friend Ibro at least "tapped" the compressor from the freezer, cheaper carrying cost and easy resale value. Emeka came in later with all the loaves of bread he had tapped from the kitchen with the minerals another group has stolen after breaking into the school store. I saw a lot of trade by barter that night, garri for minerals, sugar for garri, bread for sugar and garri, fish couldn't trade that night cos it was not readily consumable. . Segun was a bit different, he went for the garri, instant gratification. Segun quickly went to the dorm and got down to business. Now, what Segun did not tell us was that the garri was stolen from an SS 3 student. Given that Segun looked a lot like me (some people couldn't believe we were not twins), you can guess who the SS3 idiot came to jack for his garri which was now soaking in a bucket 4 rooms down the hall, complete with NIDO and sugar.
The Language of the Queen
Whenever white people sarcastically "compliment" me on my good english and ask me where I learned such good english, I always tell them I learned it on Assembly. At FGCK, we had assembly on Mondays and Fridays and Paga, ooops I meant Mr. Awonuga, used to scare us with those big words that send you scurrying for your little Michael West Dictionary. It was on assembly I learned Flabbergasted, overwhelmed, parambulating, pompous bastard and other words that could serve to send ones brain into an epileptic fit. Mr. Awonuga was very erudite and eloquent. He came from FGC Warri where he was the VP or senior housemaster or something like that. He had a thunderous voice that could make you conclude that "he speech real good" Paga stopped me in the hallway one morning as asked me what class I was supposed to be having at that moment. Poor me, I said "inter-science". After paga lamblasted me as an educated illiterate, he corrected me and said it was "integ" not "inter-science". Did I hear you go hmmm? So did I, but that was Paga so I took his word for it.
It's now trendy to deny being Nigerian and I don't blame you though. Jobs are not easy to come by without having to deny your identity. Many of us have to fill employment forms, admission forms and all manners of forms, how do you deal with that, because one way or the other, you can be exposed as a Nigerian. But as my high school computer teacher always said, there is a difference between telling a lie and not telling the truth. So I brought in a nationality expert to give you the readers some advice.
Editor: So Chief Ojukwu, what would you like to tell my readers today?
Chief Ojukwu: Well, I am happy you have invited me to your office today.
Editor: By the way, you are Nigerian right?
Chief Ojukwu: Nooo, I know that's what Bianca told you in the back office but I have to set the records straight. The man Lord Lugard, messed up things in that country between Benin and Cameroon. First of all, I have to say that calling him Lord is blasphemy enough as it is. He came to that great country and allowed his wife to pick a name out of the hat and right now, that name has been bastardized so I refuse to recognize it.
Editor: So what do you propose that Nigerians do as well as you?
Chief Ojukwu: Please don't say the N word again, its heart breaking. Anyway, I consider myself a Biafran, my friend Gani the Lawyer considers himself a Lagosian from the Republic of Lagos, even Ibrahim Dan Kabo now says he is from the Sokoto Empire. So therefore, nobody uses the N word anymore.
Editor: So are you proposing the breakup of that country?
Chief: Not a chance.I am merely repudiating the use of the N word to describe the most complex collection of individuals to live on this side of the Atlantic. At the same time, I am promoting the mutual coexistence of the different nations in this area around the Niger river.
Editor: Is this not a sign of more trouble to come, the last we heard in our newsroom, the Abakiliki empire was being formed by a group of traders and manufacturers from Aba, Abakiliki and Awka and they intend to break away from Biafra which you obviously intend to head.
Chief: Let me just remind you that I am Biafran, Gani is Lagosian and Ibrahim is from the Sokoto Empire, Chikena, O kpari, O gwucha.
Editor: Chief, thank you for stopping by and extend my wishes to Bianca and the babies.
Chief: you are welcome.
1st Annual Boarding School Reunion
The board of trustees of Boarding School Inc, wish to announce that the 1st Annual Boarding school Reunion to be held in FGC Ijanikin. Events include
- "filling a bucket with water using a teaspoon",
- Beans eating contest accompanied by swollen ijebu garri, sugar and groundnut
- "One boy last to come contest"
- The chance to beat that senior that bullied you contest
- Skipping school without an exeat contest
- Exorcising Ex-Students of the following school of their Ajebutterness
- Hillcrest, Jos
- International School, Lagos
- A-Hall, Lagos
1989
People riot when they are angry. People are angry when they are hungry. Does that follow that rioters are hungry people. 1989 was the year of riots in Nigerian schools and FGCK was not to be left out. If there was to be a riot, I would advocate rightly that it start in the kitchen which it did but boys then had different priorities. Musa stole a bale of fish from the kitchen freezer!!!!Granted it was fresh fish, but there was no time to fry or cook the darn thing. His friend Ibro at least "tapped" the compressor from the freezer, cheaper carrying cost and easy resale value. Emeka came in later with all the loaves of bread he had tapped from the kitchen with the minerals another group has stolen after breaking into the school store. I saw a lot of trade by barter that night, garri for minerals, sugar for garri, bread for sugar and garri, fish couldn't trade that night cos it was not readily consumable. . Segun was a bit different, he went for the garri, instant gratification. Segun quickly went to the dorm and got down to business. Now, what Segun did not tell us was that the garri was stolen from an SS 3 student. Given that Segun looked a lot like me (some people couldn't believe we were not twins), you can guess who the SS3 idiot came to jack for his garri which was now soaking in a bucket 4 rooms down the hall, complete with NIDO and sugar.
The Language of the Queen
Whenever white people sarcastically "compliment" me on my good english and ask me where I learned such good english, I always tell them I learned it on Assembly. At FGCK, we had assembly on Mondays and Fridays and Paga, ooops I meant Mr. Awonuga, used to scare us with those big words that send you scurrying for your little Michael West Dictionary. It was on assembly I learned Flabbergasted, overwhelmed, parambulating, pompous bastard and other words that could serve to send ones brain into an epileptic fit. Mr. Awonuga was very erudite and eloquent. He came from FGC Warri where he was the VP or senior housemaster or something like that. He had a thunderous voice that could make you conclude that "he speech real good" Paga stopped me in the hallway one morning as asked me what class I was supposed to be having at that moment. Poor me, I said "inter-science". After paga lamblasted me as an educated illiterate, he corrected me and said it was "integ" not "inter-science". Did I hear you go hmmm? So did I, but that was Paga so I took his word for it.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
So Long a Letter
D ear Joromi,
How are you? I hope you are doing okay? How is Nigeria? I hope the austerity is not too bad oh! I just got the letter you wrote three months ago. Did you not post it in time? Three months is such a long time not to see your fine handwriting. Anyway, thank you for the 8paged letter. You surely know how to express your love in so many words. However, my dear, I did not understand some of your statements. You said something like
"My doxology is at a maximum climatic peak"
Before I left Nigeria, I know your father was not planning to be a mountain climber so to talk about climatic peak is something which I fail to understand. Unless you have moved to Jos but your letter still says you live at Agidingbi.
How is Mama Bomboy? Does she still have her akara shop at Tejuosho market? I hear her son, won a scholarship to FGC Enugu, extend my congratulations. You also said that Mama Peter's police dogs were missing and they were accusing the mallam at the suya shop of killing them to make suya!!! Make sure you don't buy suya there oh, I know that 404 is sweet but be careful.
You asked me so many questions so I am going to answer them one by one. First of all, my darling girl, I have asked you not to call my cousins Aje-butter. Because they are phonetically inclined does not mean they have forgotten their motherland, in fact Ngozi and Nkiru are making plans to visit Nigeria in the summer. If you ask me, they are tru Nigerians to the core. You made mention that you want to visit, well, my apartment is not ready for visitors yet and I have to receive my undergraduate degree and get a job before you can visit. I will bring you here as soon as the embassy in Lagos gives you in visa. You dont really have to line up, when I come back in 1999, I will go there myself and get it for you.
You should also stop worrying about whether I found another woman to marry. Haba I have told you many times that you are so beautiful and delicious. What will make me find another woman and even sef where will I find a woman as beautiful and delicious as you???
You asked me what part time job I am doing now, well I am a Street Quality Assurance Manager for the city of Boston. We work at night to make sure that all the streets are safe by making sure no rubbish is left on the road. They might promote me soon to director of supervision. My day time job when I am not in class is Director of Logistics. I make sure people in Boston get to where they want when they call us to help them. My car is yellow, your favorite color.
What do your parents mean by I have to pay half a million Naira for your bride price. Haba, the cow I bought two years ago christmas, have they finished it? If you say it again, I will just come back in 2003 when inflation is lower. Anyway, I have been telling my friends how lucky I am to have you as my fiancee. I am so honored.
I have something to tell you to tell your junior brother. Tell him I have to disappoint him. I know that Lekki sunsplash is coming up this easter but unfortunately, I cannot bu him the Nike hightops he wants, or the Tommy hillfiger or the Doc Martens, timberlands (In Nigeria???), CK and Polo all before easter. In fact, I don't even wear Doc Martens of illfiger. I just heard about Doc Martens when you wrote. Come, let me ask you, where does he get all these names from. He is suppose to be reading his Ababio for his chemistry exam instead he seems to be reading Sports illustrated tha Uncle Emma deems fit to subscribe to. I am even surprised his subscription gets there.
By the way, I took your advise and went to this church called deeper life investigative ministries and the pastor told me I was possessed. I said "chineke mee" I travel far and near and did man wan insult me in one day. I told him he was the one who was possessed and left. I went to Boston Church of Eternal Salvation and five minutes into the service, the pastor asked,
"Which nation is the best in the world?"
Everyone shouted "heaven". Pastor said you are all wrong, guess again.
So the congregation thought hard and said "God's kingdom.
The Pastor said "you are all wrong again, a Kingdon is different from a nation."
So the worried congregation asked "Pastor, what nation is the best then"
The Pastor made the sign of the cross even though he was not catholic and said,
"The best nation in the world is DOOONATION, so everyone open up your heart and give.
I swear, we must have donated about 14 times that day in church. I decided not to go back, I go to church to pray to win the lottery not to get broke. I now watch service on Channel 25 on sunday mornings.
You ask me why I am planning to buy a Tokunbo instead of a new car, well, I dont have any answer to that one, when you see car with air condition I am sure you will not complain, tokunbo or not. If it bothers you, we will paint it fresh.
Anyway, I have to run along to the post office and mail this if I want it to reach you this year. You know I can't put any money inside or picture because it will get stolen. When any of my friends is going to Nigeria, I will send you something. I am sorry I could not send you valentine's day gifts. I tried to call though but all I got was a voice like Aunt Teresa that said "All trunks are busy, try later" I kept trying later for a week and the same woman was still there telling me the same thing. I have given up. Write me as soon as you get this letter and dont tell your brother that you will be replying me.
I love you well well, my love for you will never ever die.
Your lover boy,
Olangbesho
How are you? I hope you are doing okay? How is Nigeria? I hope the austerity is not too bad oh! I just got the letter you wrote three months ago. Did you not post it in time? Three months is such a long time not to see your fine handwriting. Anyway, thank you for the 8paged letter. You surely know how to express your love in so many words. However, my dear, I did not understand some of your statements. You said something like
"My doxology is at a maximum climatic peak"
Before I left Nigeria, I know your father was not planning to be a mountain climber so to talk about climatic peak is something which I fail to understand. Unless you have moved to Jos but your letter still says you live at Agidingbi.
How is Mama Bomboy? Does she still have her akara shop at Tejuosho market? I hear her son, won a scholarship to FGC Enugu, extend my congratulations. You also said that Mama Peter's police dogs were missing and they were accusing the mallam at the suya shop of killing them to make suya!!! Make sure you don't buy suya there oh, I know that 404 is sweet but be careful.
You asked me so many questions so I am going to answer them one by one. First of all, my darling girl, I have asked you not to call my cousins Aje-butter. Because they are phonetically inclined does not mean they have forgotten their motherland, in fact Ngozi and Nkiru are making plans to visit Nigeria in the summer. If you ask me, they are tru Nigerians to the core. You made mention that you want to visit, well, my apartment is not ready for visitors yet and I have to receive my undergraduate degree and get a job before you can visit. I will bring you here as soon as the embassy in Lagos gives you in visa. You dont really have to line up, when I come back in 1999, I will go there myself and get it for you.
You should also stop worrying about whether I found another woman to marry. Haba I have told you many times that you are so beautiful and delicious. What will make me find another woman and even sef where will I find a woman as beautiful and delicious as you???
You asked me what part time job I am doing now, well I am a Street Quality Assurance Manager for the city of Boston. We work at night to make sure that all the streets are safe by making sure no rubbish is left on the road. They might promote me soon to director of supervision. My day time job when I am not in class is Director of Logistics. I make sure people in Boston get to where they want when they call us to help them. My car is yellow, your favorite color.
What do your parents mean by I have to pay half a million Naira for your bride price. Haba, the cow I bought two years ago christmas, have they finished it? If you say it again, I will just come back in 2003 when inflation is lower. Anyway, I have been telling my friends how lucky I am to have you as my fiancee. I am so honored.
I have something to tell you to tell your junior brother. Tell him I have to disappoint him. I know that Lekki sunsplash is coming up this easter but unfortunately, I cannot bu him the Nike hightops he wants, or the Tommy hillfiger or the Doc Martens, timberlands (In Nigeria???), CK and Polo all before easter. In fact, I don't even wear Doc Martens of illfiger. I just heard about Doc Martens when you wrote. Come, let me ask you, where does he get all these names from. He is suppose to be reading his Ababio for his chemistry exam instead he seems to be reading Sports illustrated tha Uncle Emma deems fit to subscribe to. I am even surprised his subscription gets there.
By the way, I took your advise and went to this church called deeper life investigative ministries and the pastor told me I was possessed. I said "chineke mee" I travel far and near and did man wan insult me in one day. I told him he was the one who was possessed and left. I went to Boston Church of Eternal Salvation and five minutes into the service, the pastor asked,
"Which nation is the best in the world?"
Everyone shouted "heaven". Pastor said you are all wrong, guess again.
So the congregation thought hard and said "God's kingdom.
The Pastor said "you are all wrong again, a Kingdon is different from a nation."
So the worried congregation asked "Pastor, what nation is the best then"
The Pastor made the sign of the cross even though he was not catholic and said,
"The best nation in the world is DOOONATION, so everyone open up your heart and give.
I swear, we must have donated about 14 times that day in church. I decided not to go back, I go to church to pray to win the lottery not to get broke. I now watch service on Channel 25 on sunday mornings.
You ask me why I am planning to buy a Tokunbo instead of a new car, well, I dont have any answer to that one, when you see car with air condition I am sure you will not complain, tokunbo or not. If it bothers you, we will paint it fresh.
Anyway, I have to run along to the post office and mail this if I want it to reach you this year. You know I can't put any money inside or picture because it will get stolen. When any of my friends is going to Nigeria, I will send you something. I am sorry I could not send you valentine's day gifts. I tried to call though but all I got was a voice like Aunt Teresa that said "All trunks are busy, try later" I kept trying later for a week and the same woman was still there telling me the same thing. I have given up. Write me as soon as you get this letter and dont tell your brother that you will be replying me.
I love you well well, my love for you will never ever die.
Your lover boy,
Olangbesho
Friday, February 16, 2007
POEMS
My Genie
When you woke me up at 7:15 that morning
I thought for sure I was in heaven
Cos that sweet voice of yours
Always makes me high
We started out when ears were six
We continued with four
I sang you a song, you sang me yours
That, made me want you more
I want to take me time with you
And hope that you with me
There are little things to learn
That make the big picture
There's a lot I want to tell you
But I'll say this
It's easy to say I love you
But I can show you I do
My favorite color is blue
Two of yours are Purple and Army green
When our colors come together
They form a perfect hue
You make my world so spiritual
You make my day so so fine
You make my hours so bright
You make my minutes count for something
So every minute I think of you
I smile a thousand smiles
We believe in each other
Without having to say it
Diamonds are a woman's best friend
What could be man's
But you my young lady
Are my heaven sent best friend
You sometimes say "eh"
And I tend to laugh at that
But whatever language we speak
We understand ourselves
I want to fly above
And conquer the world
I only ask of you
To be my copilot
From Over the Seas
To Nigeria and back
We went around the world
And still found each other
Let me quote a famous person (ME)
Who said:
"You are my genie,
Cos you made my dream come true.
April 1997.
My Princess
On 15th of September, 1993
I was busy at my work,
I took a break and looked up
And I saw those beautiful eyes.
Your eyes struck a chord
It played a melodious tune in my heart
It sang a Cupid song
And I've been dancing ever since.
How quick can one be
In achieving one's heart desire
How true can I be
In this little time I've hired.
I am a man of few words
So I wanted to show you
In my own little way
How much I LOVE U.
I ask myself, "what it is?"
Me says, not to ask myself but I
I say, it is the Character, Charisma and Countenance
Me says, it is the Laughter, Looks and Love
The day marched on
Our hearts began an eclipse
I steal serene moments
To make our hearts become one.
I talk to myself
I say, be Patient
I see the midnight
And I know that time waits for no man.
My Sun rises with you
You brighten my day and glow in my night
You own my every thought
And the joyful dreams I dream
Dreams come true, you know
The intelligence you possess says so
You exhibit that maturity
That shows in the things you do.
Voices fill the air around us
Listen to that one voice
'Cos the Almighty just called Collect
To tell me You are the Right One.
Allow me to quote
That great philosopher who said
"All the world's a jigsaw puzzle
And you are my favorite piece."
Dedicated to OMK.
U
In those quiet times
When all I think is U
My heart starts to flutter
And my body begins to shudder
Deep down below
I feel a way I don't remember
A feeling that carries me over
Till at night my head touches the pillow
I've known you
For just a while
But somewhere in the past
I think we have met
Maybe for Real
Maybe in my Dreams
But if that's the Case
My Dream has come true
Destiny,
I know not much about
But since you've crossed my path
I think I'll go the next mile
You have such a Soothing Voice
I crave to hear you speak
Just one word out of you
And I feel my world go round
'Am attracted to you in everyway
I hope you are to me
Something's definitely going on here
Are you ready to Party?
Dont just walk thru' my life.
When you woke me up at 7:15 that morning
I thought for sure I was in heaven
Cos that sweet voice of yours
Always makes me high
We started out when ears were six
We continued with four
I sang you a song, you sang me yours
That, made me want you more
I want to take me time with you
And hope that you with me
There are little things to learn
That make the big picture
There's a lot I want to tell you
But I'll say this
It's easy to say I love you
But I can show you I do
My favorite color is blue
Two of yours are Purple and Army green
When our colors come together
They form a perfect hue
You make my world so spiritual
You make my day so so fine
You make my hours so bright
You make my minutes count for something
So every minute I think of you
I smile a thousand smiles
We believe in each other
Without having to say it
Diamonds are a woman's best friend
What could be man's
But you my young lady
Are my heaven sent best friend
You sometimes say "eh"
And I tend to laugh at that
But whatever language we speak
We understand ourselves
I want to fly above
And conquer the world
I only ask of you
To be my copilot
From Over the Seas
To Nigeria and back
We went around the world
And still found each other
Let me quote a famous person (ME)
Who said:
"You are my genie,
Cos you made my dream come true.
April 1997.
My Princess
On 15th of September, 1993
I was busy at my work,
I took a break and looked up
And I saw those beautiful eyes.
Your eyes struck a chord
It played a melodious tune in my heart
It sang a Cupid song
And I've been dancing ever since.
How quick can one be
In achieving one's heart desire
How true can I be
In this little time I've hired.
I am a man of few words
So I wanted to show you
In my own little way
How much I LOVE U.
I ask myself, "what it is?"
Me says, not to ask myself but I
I say, it is the Character, Charisma and Countenance
Me says, it is the Laughter, Looks and Love
The day marched on
Our hearts began an eclipse
I steal serene moments
To make our hearts become one.
I talk to myself
I say, be Patient
I see the midnight
And I know that time waits for no man.
My Sun rises with you
You brighten my day and glow in my night
You own my every thought
And the joyful dreams I dream
Dreams come true, you know
The intelligence you possess says so
You exhibit that maturity
That shows in the things you do.
Voices fill the air around us
Listen to that one voice
'Cos the Almighty just called Collect
To tell me You are the Right One.
Allow me to quote
That great philosopher who said
"All the world's a jigsaw puzzle
And you are my favorite piece."
Dedicated to OMK.
U
In those quiet times
When all I think is U
My heart starts to flutter
And my body begins to shudder
Deep down below
I feel a way I don't remember
A feeling that carries me over
Till at night my head touches the pillow
I've known you
For just a while
But somewhere in the past
I think we have met
Maybe for Real
Maybe in my Dreams
But if that's the Case
My Dream has come true
Destiny,
I know not much about
But since you've crossed my path
I think I'll go the next mile
You have such a Soothing Voice
I crave to hear you speak
Just one word out of you
And I feel my world go round
'Am attracted to you in everyway
I hope you are to me
Something's definitely going on here
Are you ready to Party?
Dont just walk thru' my life.
Awoof Dey Run Belle
Awoof Dey Run Belle
avoide Lake Shore Drive
After Church I decided to go and pick up some Superrbowl snacks, you know, chips, dips, salsa, cookies. Once I picked all I needed and paid, I decided to grap a cup of coffee for the road, afterall, it was going to be a long day. I stopped at starbucks.
I ordered a Grande White Chocolote Mocha with whip cream - "very hot" - because it was very cold outside. As I strolled to my car with my hot drink and shopping bags, I sipped and something did not taste right. I know what I had ordered, I have ordered this drink in
I went up and told the Barista (fake lawyer?) that he had given me a fake “grande white chocolate mocha with whip cream”….okay, I didn’t quite put it that way. (Side note: why does starbucks call them Baristas? Is their intent to mislead the public? Can you imagine if some immigrant with little command of English who has some immigration problems and decides to go and hire a Barista, because he thinks the Barista can get him off! Come to think of it, the Barista could get him off, but just on caffeine! But I digress)
I complained sha and enunciated my order in case his suburban ears could not handle my delicate Nigerian accent. “Not a problem” he said, as he proceeded to brew another or should I say, the correct drink I had asked for.
Now remember, earlier, I told you I had ordered a “Grande (Medium) white chocolate…..” right! Okay. Number one, the price I had paid the first time was lower than what I had consistently paid on other occasions. That should have been my first warning that something was off, but then again, have you seen any naija person that goes to buy what would normally be a $500 Gucci purse in a Gucci store, they tell you it will cost you $150, do you take the bag, pay and run, or do you stand there as if you are Mother Teresa and ask, why are you not charging more? I think not. (This is what lawyers would call a leading argument…)
This time, he brewed the correct drink and I noticed he made it in a Venti (Large) cup. I wanted to say “ol boy, I told you grande oh, don’t go and ask me to pay for the bigger cup of coffee now. But you know I didn’t say that, I rationalized, maybe he is just making up for his earlier mistake. I kukuma kept quiet. [Awoof number 2.]
When he handed me the Venti, he asked me to take the grande he had made earlier with me. (Awoof number 3). Do you realize what has just happened? Its like I bought one economy class ticket to
I got home with my cups of coffee, gave my wife the Grande and told her I bought it for her, okay beat me, I lied, but I made the sign of the cross as I gave it to her. With the Sunday paper in hand, I read and sipped and the Venti White Chocolate Mocha with Whip Cream warmed my body on this cold winter morning.
At the risk of being too graphic, an hour later, my stomach was doing “shakira shakira.” I found myself on the throne dropping the kids at the pool. Two hours later, I was back on the throne. Na wa oh, see me see trouble. Almost like clock work, it was as if the gods of Starbucks or could it be that the Barista gods had come to collect!! It was as if they said “you cant cheat corporate
In between, I watched the superbowl and to add insult onto a growing injury, the Chicago Bears lost the game. Next time, if you all go to starbucks, make sure you write down your order and pay full price, otherwise, go to Dunkin Donuts. Me, I will write down my order in capital letters, cos, this last awoof run my belle well well.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
The Devil Wears Bata!
Hearing about the movie "Devil Wears Prada" reminded me of Federal Government College, Kaduna. There was this headgirl in my form 3 who had it in for me. First she kept busting me on sesame street, which we also called "Slope" because the road sloped down from the dining hall to the Girl's dorm area. It also led in the direction of the classroom area.
This was where guys waited and I mean Waited...while someone, most probably a junior girl, goes into the dorm to call the subject of your affection. Oh how hard we tried. Too bad things never worked out with Wunmi and I, because of the Devil who wears Bata. [Note: names have been changed to protect the innocent:)]
You would think that she would be happy busting my love life but she was not done with me yet. During one prep session in the dining hall - in those days when junior boys were made to study with the girls - maybe I was oratorically fluent or something, but the next thing I know, this headgirl comes to me and hands akimbo goes "what is funny, why are you smiling like a christmas goat?" Chei, see, if I was alone, it would have been okay, but Wunmi was on the table right across from me!! She continued "Stand on the table and carry your books on your head since you cannot read them!!!"
In front of ALL the girls and Wunmi dearest, I climbed the table with its half cracked surface still somewhat smeared with the stew from the evening meal of Fried yam and stew. I carried my "France Afrique book," my intro-tech text book and of course my Social studies textbook which Mrs. Utsu had asked us to read. I could not wait for Prep to end and it did not come any quickly. Bisi was a terror, a devil if you ask me.
It was only later, a few weeks later I might add, when some Senegal house boys were yabbing me about my punishment, that it came to light that my school father had been toasting the devil, he had dissed her, rejected her advances and dated someone else. The sins of the father were being visited upon the son. The devil definitely wears Bata even if it is a rubber sandal.
This was where guys waited and I mean Waited...while someone, most probably a junior girl, goes into the dorm to call the subject of your affection. Oh how hard we tried. Too bad things never worked out with Wunmi and I, because of the Devil who wears Bata. [Note: names have been changed to protect the innocent:)]
You would think that she would be happy busting my love life but she was not done with me yet. During one prep session in the dining hall - in those days when junior boys were made to study with the girls - maybe I was oratorically fluent or something, but the next thing I know, this headgirl comes to me and hands akimbo goes "what is funny, why are you smiling like a christmas goat?" Chei, see, if I was alone, it would have been okay, but Wunmi was on the table right across from me!! She continued "Stand on the table and carry your books on your head since you cannot read them!!!"
In front of ALL the girls and Wunmi dearest, I climbed the table with its half cracked surface still somewhat smeared with the stew from the evening meal of Fried yam and stew. I carried my "France Afrique book," my intro-tech text book and of course my Social studies textbook which Mrs. Utsu had asked us to read. I could not wait for Prep to end and it did not come any quickly. Bisi was a terror, a devil if you ask me.
It was only later, a few weeks later I might add, when some Senegal house boys were yabbing me about my punishment, that it came to light that my school father had been toasting the devil, he had dissed her, rejected her advances and dated someone else. The sins of the father were being visited upon the son. The devil definitely wears Bata even if it is a rubber sandal.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I go Die O!
Its another weekend and my invitation to the chicken party of Iyan and gbegiri soup was in the works. I figure we would attract a lot of hungry people but when nobody had showed up with the sun heading home, I knew something was wrong. How can I invite able-bodied Nigerians to a sumptuous meal like that and not have anyone show up? Haba. Knowing Nigerians, I had set the time for 12 noon and when no one had showed up by 5pm, I had to investigate.
I called Temi's place (It was her birthday by the way) and was greeted by an answering machine saying she had gone to dance class with Ije. Okay!! That explains the absence of two people but what happened to the rest? I called Kemi's house and she picked up the phone.
"Haba Kemi, this kin Nigerian time, na wetin?" Kemi laughed
"Shey you know today is that Nigerian Wedding!!
"Ehn eh, so that's why no one has showed up here, by the way, whose wedding is it?"
"I don't know, we are just going"
"you don't know, but you are going, were you invited?"
"Since when do you have to be invited to a wedding to go"
"Ah, I am soory oh!..."
"Anyway, I know someone who is going so I am going plus I want to find better Nigerian man for myself"
"Kemi, don't even go there"
Just then, my call waiting beeped. I clicked over after wishing Kemi luck. Dalu was on the line.
"Yo D. what's up, how come you are not here"
"Maybe because I don't know where here is!!"
"Real funny, my uncle is having his daughter's christening, did you forget?"
"S---!!! O kpari, no wonder, wedding here, christening there, you are all saboteurs"
In all honesty, I had forgotten, Dalu's uncle had already informed me two weeks before about the festivities. I hung up after telling him I'll be there. I tried to figure out what to take, it was between taking a present, a card and my presently empty stomach. I settled for the last two.
We got to the party at 6:30pm "in the evening" and Dalu's uncle met us
"Let me see, you arrived here at 6:30, I don't want to here you say "I am leaving" in half an hour, you cant leave here before 9:30pm"
Okay, the man just finished me right there. I had planned on grabbing some food and by 7:15pm be out to go and celebrate Temi's birthday. But nooo, the man had to sabotage my evening. So I proceeded with a plate and loaded it with Fried rice, jollof rice, goat meat, chicken, moi moi and salad of a different variety. Now that's what I call a balanced diet. Unfortunately, it wasn't too balanced without palm wine.
I settled real quick on the food and less than 10 minutes later, another saboteur enters - a six year old girl on vacation from Nigeria as I later found out. She said her name was Onyinye not that I did not believe her. If you ask me, she was too smart for her own good. The kid took one look at me and asked
"Why are you eating so fast, the chicken is dead and the rice wont run away"
"Shuo, see me see trouble, come how old are you"
"I am 6yrs, but I am not old"
"okay, what class are you in"
"I just finished Primary 1 and I am going to pry 2"
"Okay, can you shurrup and respect your elders and pray you don't miss road to pry 2"
"you are big and you don't know how to say "Shut up" and my mummy says it is rude to say that. She also said you should not talk with food in your mouth"
I can swear that this kid was sent to make me choke, if I did not get her out of that room, she could do more damage. I sent her for a can of coke and the little rat asked me if it tasted like Pepsi. It was then I said, I go die O!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Circa August 13, 1997
I called Temi's place (It was her birthday by the way) and was greeted by an answering machine saying she had gone to dance class with Ije. Okay!! That explains the absence of two people but what happened to the rest? I called Kemi's house and she picked up the phone.
"Haba Kemi, this kin Nigerian time, na wetin?" Kemi laughed
"Shey you know today is that Nigerian Wedding!!
"Ehn eh, so that's why no one has showed up here, by the way, whose wedding is it?"
"I don't know, we are just going"
"you don't know, but you are going, were you invited?"
"Since when do you have to be invited to a wedding to go"
"Ah, I am soory oh!..."
"Anyway, I know someone who is going so I am going plus I want to find better Nigerian man for myself"
"Kemi, don't even go there"
Just then, my call waiting beeped. I clicked over after wishing Kemi luck. Dalu was on the line.
"Yo D. what's up, how come you are not here"
"Maybe because I don't know where here is!!"
"Real funny, my uncle is having his daughter's christening, did you forget?"
"S---!!! O kpari, no wonder, wedding here, christening there, you are all saboteurs"
In all honesty, I had forgotten, Dalu's uncle had already informed me two weeks before about the festivities. I hung up after telling him I'll be there. I tried to figure out what to take, it was between taking a present, a card and my presently empty stomach. I settled for the last two.
We got to the party at 6:30pm "in the evening" and Dalu's uncle met us
"Let me see, you arrived here at 6:30, I don't want to here you say "I am leaving" in half an hour, you cant leave here before 9:30pm"
Okay, the man just finished me right there. I had planned on grabbing some food and by 7:15pm be out to go and celebrate Temi's birthday. But nooo, the man had to sabotage my evening. So I proceeded with a plate and loaded it with Fried rice, jollof rice, goat meat, chicken, moi moi and salad of a different variety. Now that's what I call a balanced diet. Unfortunately, it wasn't too balanced without palm wine.
I settled real quick on the food and less than 10 minutes later, another saboteur enters - a six year old girl on vacation from Nigeria as I later found out. She said her name was Onyinye not that I did not believe her. If you ask me, she was too smart for her own good. The kid took one look at me and asked
"Why are you eating so fast, the chicken is dead and the rice wont run away"
"Shuo, see me see trouble, come how old are you"
"I am 6yrs, but I am not old"
"okay, what class are you in"
"I just finished Primary 1 and I am going to pry 2"
"Okay, can you shurrup and respect your elders and pray you don't miss road to pry 2"
"you are big and you don't know how to say "Shut up" and my mummy says it is rude to say that. She also said you should not talk with food in your mouth"
I can swear that this kid was sent to make me choke, if I did not get her out of that room, she could do more damage. I sent her for a can of coke and the little rat asked me if it tasted like Pepsi. It was then I said, I go die O!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Circa August 13, 1997
Friday, February 09, 2007
This sure "makes me wanna Holler."
"With that kind of driving, you are never gonna get a f-----g license in this state, I will make sure you dont get a f-----g license in this state." There were other statements made and I do not relish the thought of putting them in writing. When you read this vulgar statement, you might ponder for a moment or two why this statement was made, who said it and to whom.
The above statement came from a police officer and was directed at a student driver who was under instruction. The student in question was at an intersection in Harvard square and was proceeding while traffic in other directions had stopped. As she moved from the intersection, a police cruiser appeared from behind her and almost collided with her. The police officer immediately started berating the student and asked her to stop. With the motto "To Serve and to Protect", this particular police officer does a diservice to the force with such derogatory language. The student in this case was humiliated and was outraged at the insult heaped on her by this police officer.
Incidents like this make you wonder who you can turn to when you need the help. To borrow the words of Marvin Gaye, this surely makes me wanna holler. I always ask myself why police officers in many instances come out aggressive when a subtle approach is all that is needed. This reminds me of an experience my friends and I had at the Fenway branch of Starmarket.
Towards the end of last quarter, three of my friends and I went to do our grocery shopping at star market. We picked up the items as we went along and we made sure we did not miss any aisle. Call it bachelor style shopping but that was our way of making sure that we did not forget any item we might need back at our tiny campus cubicles called apartments. I did not have a girlfriend there with me to argue about whether we should get Friendly's fat/cholesterol free ice cream or star market's vanilla ice-cream, so of course we guys started gisting.
The way I see it, someone got scared of seeing four happy black guys and wanted to put a dent on what was till then, a good day for us. Without our knowing, the store manager had us followed and probably felt uncomfortable with our presence. Next thing we know, a police officer approached one of my friends and with a stern voice and a gruseome looking face said "Dont play games with me, I want you out of this place." My friends and I were very surprised at this kind of aggressive attitude. We asked for an explanation and the police officer just kept saying "dont play games with me." For lack of diplomacy, the police officer could at least have explained what we did wrong and why we were liteally being kicked out of the store.
On getting no negative reaction from us, he calmed down and explained the management wanted us out of the store and that he was only doing his job. We asked to see the manager and though she admitted she was the person who wanted us out of the store, we neglected to ask her why. Despite throwing us out in such a fashion, she actually suggested that we pay for the many items we had picked before we left. Such absurdity, after such a treatment, we were none the wiser and we went ahead to make stop & shop richer. Things like this just makes me wanna holler. Since then, my friends and I have started a boycott of star market and in addition, we now go with our girlfriends. We do not to get thrown out of another store and have to go to Mexico to do our grocery shopping.
The above statement came from a police officer and was directed at a student driver who was under instruction. The student in question was at an intersection in Harvard square and was proceeding while traffic in other directions had stopped. As she moved from the intersection, a police cruiser appeared from behind her and almost collided with her. The police officer immediately started berating the student and asked her to stop. With the motto "To Serve and to Protect", this particular police officer does a diservice to the force with such derogatory language. The student in this case was humiliated and was outraged at the insult heaped on her by this police officer.
Incidents like this make you wonder who you can turn to when you need the help. To borrow the words of Marvin Gaye, this surely makes me wanna holler. I always ask myself why police officers in many instances come out aggressive when a subtle approach is all that is needed. This reminds me of an experience my friends and I had at the Fenway branch of Starmarket.
Towards the end of last quarter, three of my friends and I went to do our grocery shopping at star market. We picked up the items as we went along and we made sure we did not miss any aisle. Call it bachelor style shopping but that was our way of making sure that we did not forget any item we might need back at our tiny campus cubicles called apartments. I did not have a girlfriend there with me to argue about whether we should get Friendly's fat/cholesterol free ice cream or star market's vanilla ice-cream, so of course we guys started gisting.
The way I see it, someone got scared of seeing four happy black guys and wanted to put a dent on what was till then, a good day for us. Without our knowing, the store manager had us followed and probably felt uncomfortable with our presence. Next thing we know, a police officer approached one of my friends and with a stern voice and a gruseome looking face said "Dont play games with me, I want you out of this place." My friends and I were very surprised at this kind of aggressive attitude. We asked for an explanation and the police officer just kept saying "dont play games with me." For lack of diplomacy, the police officer could at least have explained what we did wrong and why we were liteally being kicked out of the store.
On getting no negative reaction from us, he calmed down and explained the management wanted us out of the store and that he was only doing his job. We asked to see the manager and though she admitted she was the person who wanted us out of the store, we neglected to ask her why. Despite throwing us out in such a fashion, she actually suggested that we pay for the many items we had picked before we left. Such absurdity, after such a treatment, we were none the wiser and we went ahead to make stop & shop richer. Things like this just makes me wanna holler. Since then, my friends and I have started a boycott of star market and in addition, we now go with our girlfriends. We do not to get thrown out of another store and have to go to Mexico to do our grocery shopping.
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