LASGIDI BY FORCE

LASGIDI BY FORCE

It's now trendy to deny being Nigerian and I don't blame you though. Jobs are not easy to come by without having to deny your identity. Many of us have to fill employment forms, admission forms and all manners of forms, how do you deal with that, because one way or the other, you can be exposed as a Nigerian. But as my high school computer teacher always said, there is a difference between telling a lie and not telling the truth. So I brought in a nationality expert to give you the readers some advice.

Editor: So Chief Ojukwu, what would you like to tell my readers today?

Chief Ojukwu: Well, I am happy you have invited me to your office today.

Editor: By the way, you are Nigerian right?
Chief Ojukwu: Nooo, I know that's what Bianca told you in the back office but I have to set the records straight. The man Lord Lugard, messed up things in that country between Benin and Cameroon. First of all, I have to say that calling him Lord is blasphemy enough as it is. He came to that great country and allowed his wife to pick a name out of the hat and right now, that name has been bastardized so I refuse to recognize it.

Editor: So what do you propose that Nigerians do as well as you?

Chief Ojukwu: Please don't say the N word again, its heart breaking. Anyway, I consider myself a Biafran, my friend Gani the Lawyer considers himself a Lagosian from the Republic of Lagos, even Ibrahim Dan Kabo now says he is from the Sokoto Empire. So therefore, nobody uses the N word anymore.

Editor: So are you proposing the breakup of that country?

Chief: Not a chance.I am merely repudiating the use of the N word to describe the most complex collection of individuals to live on this side of the Atlantic. At the same time, I am promoting the mutual coexistence of the different nations in this area around the Niger river.

Editor: Is this not a sign of more trouble to come, the last we heard in our newsroom, the Abakiliki empire was being formed by a group of traders and manufacturers from Aba, Abakiliki and Awka and they intend to break away from Biafra which you obviously intend to head.

Chief: Let me just remind you that I am Biafran, Gani is Lagosian and Ibrahim is from the Sokoto Empire, Chikena, O kpari, O gwucha.

Editor: Chief, thank you for stopping by and extend my wishes to Bianca and the babies.

Chief: you are welcome.



1st Annual Boarding School Reunion

The board of trustees of Boarding School Inc, wish to announce that the 1st Annual Boarding school Reunion to be held in FGC Ijanikin. Events include

- "filling a bucket with water using a teaspoon",
- Beans eating contest accompanied by swollen ijebu garri, sugar and groundnut
- "One boy last to come contest"
- The chance to beat that senior that bullied you contest
- Skipping school without an exeat contest
- Exorcising Ex-Students of the following school of their Ajebutterness
- Hillcrest, Jos
- International School, Lagos
- A-Hall, Lagos



1989

People riot when they are angry. People are angry when they are hungry. Does that follow that rioters are hungry people. 1989 was the year of riots in Nigerian schools and FGCK was not to be left out. If there was to be a riot, I would advocate rightly that it start in the kitchen which it did but boys then had different priorities. Musa stole a bale of fish from the kitchen freezer!!!!Granted it was fresh fish, but there was no time to fry or cook the darn thing. His friend Ibro at least "tapped" the compressor from the freezer, cheaper carrying cost and easy resale value. Emeka came in later with all the loaves of bread he had tapped from the kitchen with the minerals another group has stolen after breaking into the school store. I saw a lot of trade by barter that night, garri for minerals, sugar for garri, bread for sugar and garri, fish couldn't trade that night cos it was not readily consumable. . Segun was a bit different, he went for the garri, instant gratification. Segun quickly went to the dorm and got down to business. Now, what Segun did not tell us was that the garri was stolen from an SS 3 student. Given that Segun looked a lot like me (some people couldn't believe we were not twins), you can guess who the SS3 idiot came to jack for his garri which was now soaking in a bucket 4 rooms down the hall, complete with NIDO and sugar.


The Language of the Queen

Whenever white people sarcastically "compliment" me on my good english and ask me where I learned such good english, I always tell them I learned it on Assembly. At FGCK, we had assembly on Mondays and Fridays and Paga, ooops I meant Mr. Awonuga, used to scare us with those big words that send you scurrying for your little Michael West Dictionary. It was on assembly I learned Flabbergasted, overwhelmed, parambulating, pompous bastard and other words that could serve to send ones brain into an epileptic fit. Mr. Awonuga was very erudite and eloquent. He came from FGC Warri where he was the VP or senior housemaster or something like that. He had a thunderous voice that could make you conclude that "he speech real good" Paga stopped me in the hallway one morning as asked me what class I was supposed to be having at that moment. Poor me, I said "inter-science". After paga lamblasted me as an educated illiterate, he corrected me and said it was "integ" not "inter-science". Did I hear you go hmmm? So did I, but that was Paga so I took his word for it.