I go Die O!

Its another weekend and my invitation to the chicken party of Iyan and gbegiri soup was in the works. I figure we would attract a lot of hungry people but when nobody had showed up with the sun heading home, I knew something was wrong. How can I invite able-bodied Nigerians to a sumptuous meal like that and not have anyone show up? Haba. Knowing Nigerians, I had set the time for 12 noon and when no one had showed up by 5pm, I had to investigate.

I called Temi's place (It was her birthday by the way) and was greeted by an answering machine saying she had gone to dance class with Ije. Okay!! That explains the absence of two people but what happened to the rest? I called Kemi's house and she picked up the phone.

"Haba Kemi, this kin Nigerian time, na wetin?" Kemi laughed
"Shey you know today is that Nigerian Wedding!!
"Ehn eh, so that's why no one has showed up here, by the way, whose wedding is it?"
"I don't know, we are just going"
"you don't know, but you are going, were you invited?"
"Since when do you have to be invited to a wedding to go"
"Ah, I am soory oh!..."
"Anyway, I know someone who is going so I am going plus I want to find better Nigerian man for myself"
"Kemi, don't even go there"

Just then, my call waiting beeped. I clicked over after wishing Kemi luck. Dalu was on the line.

"Yo D. what's up, how come you are not here"
"Maybe because I don't know where here is!!"
"Real funny, my uncle is having his daughter's christening, did you forget?"
"S---!!! O kpari, no wonder, wedding here, christening there, you are all saboteurs"

In all honesty, I had forgotten, Dalu's uncle had already informed me two weeks before about the festivities. I hung up after telling him I'll be there. I tried to figure out what to take, it was between taking a present, a card and my presently empty stomach. I settled for the last two.

We got to the party at 6:30pm "in the evening" and Dalu's uncle met us

"Let me see, you arrived here at 6:30, I don't want to here you say "I am leaving" in half an hour, you cant leave here before 9:30pm"

Okay, the man just finished me right there. I had planned on grabbing some food and by 7:15pm be out to go and celebrate Temi's birthday. But nooo, the man had to sabotage my evening. So I proceeded with a plate and loaded it with Fried rice, jollof rice, goat meat, chicken, moi moi and salad of a different variety. Now that's what I call a balanced diet. Unfortunately, it wasn't too balanced without palm wine.

I settled real quick on the food and less than 10 minutes later, another saboteur enters - a six year old girl on vacation from Nigeria as I later found out. She said her name was Onyinye not that I did not believe her. If you ask me, she was too smart for her own good. The kid took one look at me and asked

"Why are you eating so fast, the chicken is dead and the rice wont run away"
"Shuo, see me see trouble, come how old are you"
"I am 6yrs, but I am not old"
"okay, what class are you in"
"I just finished Primary 1 and I am going to pry 2"
"Okay, can you shurrup and respect your elders and pray you don't miss road to pry 2"
"you are big and you don't know how to say "Shut up" and my mummy says it is rude to say that. She also said you should not talk with food in your mouth"

I can swear that this kid was sent to make me choke, if I did not get her out of that room, she could do more damage. I sent her for a can of coke and the little rat asked me if it tasted like Pepsi. It was then I said, I go die O!!!!

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Circa August 13, 1997